le vent dans les boulex (?)

excitement's a funny thing, isn't it? it's so cool how just weather can make you excited! I was on Princes Street earlier, it's all christmassed up, and the general atmosphere is all expectant and, despite massive capitalism going on, sort of gentle. the lights are so pretty and the markets are cool and rustic looking and the ice rink is pretty nice to have around too, and the wind was SO fun! It almost blows you over! all big gusts and whirls trying to carry you up off the pavement and snatch hats and bags and makes you want to be a bird and jump around a lot.
and over in the university area there's this bit where you come out from behind one building and it just suddenly GRABS you and I always forget and get surprised by it and it makes me laugh. hah!
well, plans for tonight are massive room overhall. I'm going to sort out EVERYTHING (yeah right..) and it'll be all tidy and sorted ready for revision. woo.
Though i'm going to the library first, and to see someone 'cause I haven't actually spoken to anyone today so I probably should.
OH! AND! I climbed a hill sideways today and yesterday! it's sort of climbing anyway, it's like not-quite-really vertical and grassy and muddy, but there's a sloping stone path you can take or you can just go up and I got up at 8.30 this morning and just thought "I know.. I'll climb a hill". and it nearly killed me but was also great!
I want to go again tomorrow morning but i'm catching a train at 7.20 and if I go it would have to be at around 5am.. perfect time for all those lone rapists who wait on hills to abduct impressionable young climbing girls, so I don't think I will. but I shall in the future, i'm sure. sitting on the hill in the grass and stuff was also cool and made me feel like a rabbit for some reason.
it's still not a patch on home (or whatever) but grassyness is cool! :)

NB: yep, my imaginary regular readers will notice I got rid of a few old blogs there. not for any particular reason, I just felt like it, which is reason enough for me. absolutely nothing is meant to be read into it. I'm fed up of things being read into things. like that last sentence, for example. is there anything to be read into that?
who cares?

oh dear..

Apparently today marks the day that the USA has been fighting in Iraq for longer than it did in World War 2.

How things change

One of *SO* many quick breaks from law essay, but I have spoken to no one today..
just looking over last week's messages. I said


"the people I see every day, who see how I'm feeling as every day passes, who come to know my daily triumphs and troubles, and who come to know and learn about their daily lives, are not actually the people who I adore and, although many of them are nice, they are not the people who I *want* to know me in such detail"

I said, I don't want to be close to people around me as much.
still partially true, but, not really entirely. Lena and Lucy are lovely. We spent last night cutting bread, olives and veggie sausages for sandwiches to give people today - on buy nothing day - which i've consequently failed to attend (though I've not bought anything at least). Lena - half a bottle of wine down - was telling me about her japanese hamster called sushi. she's got a great sense of humour. and Lucy is just generally nice to talk to.
I mean.. still it would be better to share with people I adore completely and know I like living with, but that's not possible so, looking to the future, things look ...better
:)

wow

ohh.. lovely lovely day, it's left me feeling like I want it to be next year and move in with lucy and george.. no, wait.. greg? damn.. er.. gary? [hah! gary] no.. erm.. DAMN. Lena it'll have to be then ^_^ anyway, so yeah, assuming my continued presence in in edinburgh next autumn, we already have an awesome flat group planned :) and it may be all girls, which isn't such a great thing necessarily, but then again a bit of a hippy-fluffy-gently girly flat would be nice in lots of ways!
Argh, but i'm not doing work right now so I should!
and I really just wanted to comment on fucking jealousy.. how the stupidity of it is just SO great that I can't believe it exists and..
anyway, back to the "it's amazing how we can't control our bodies sometimes". Such a sudden pang of..something, my stomach actually just twisted in a knot all at once. At only one sentence. weird weird weird.
but! I shall stop thinking about it before it goes anywhere. and no matter what, even though..
urgh no! I am not going to think about that either. damn damn damn

*signs off quickly*

Friends are AMAZING!! have a fab time in manch any of you lot, and Kathy have a good weekend in cardiff - you're lovely :) (thanks for the card)

oh.. someone else who's amazing, or rather, more accurately, was amazing, is charles dickens
yeahhh

with your fingers on my forehead all I can think is...

and life continues
and things are good
and.. oh crap I'm missing the get together this weekend - I'm so rubbish! and my excuse is probably more rubbish, so I'm not going to give it here.
DAMN! I so want to see everyone! Grrrr...

BUt I'm not going to complain. I was woken up at four this morning by drunken checked shirt guys unlocking my room. And.. well, at the moment I don't give a damn.

OK so last night
well, it wasn't so good. But that happens sometimes.

And I got a C in my politics essay!! 54%! OK, so I was happier with it when I didn't know that other people had got 60% and 70% in another..
BUT
that shouldn't matter! and I didn't fail! and it's SO much more satisfying than automatically getting an A.

At the beginning of the year I remember thinking - I'd trade in my academia for a little more people skills.
so, maybe I'm not perfect at people skills, and they've certainly diminished with lack of practice recently, but I think that's happened! I'm pleased. and a C is a pass and it's fine. and if I fail, who cares? I will do something else instead. Life is WAY too short to care too much about that.

and I've spent the last nearly FOUR hours split between talking to only two people. propper long conversations. in fact I've spent about six or more hours talking to people today. Like, propper one on one conversations.
that's amazing!
people are so great.







words that make me shiver
songs that make me melt
I can only be thankful for the deal I've been dealt
for the woods outside this window
for that guitar on your knee
for the smile on your lips
for the good you found in me..

[David Rovics is amazing ;)}

*emily gets so intensely angry with herself*

why am I not worth it anymore? what am I doing wrong?

Manchild

It's not like things are in any way exactly the same situation,
In fact, they may still be pretty good
only, you can build an idea in your head.. and when there is nothing to fuel it you still keep building on whatever tangent makes sense, but there's no fuel, and you're building in the sky. It's insubstantial but you can't help but build it and there's nothing left to build from but your own fears and insecurities and you know they're not safe building blocks but there's nothing else and, somehow, you still must keep building and..
and it all comes back to longing for the past.. those single moments you can pick out and say "if I went back there, right now, I'd be So happy"
a field, tents, the sillhouette of the trees with the moon behind. A whole summer ahead. Gentle and unknowing (partly retrospective) realisation
Welsh Hills flowing past, on the way to a paradise of sorts, my hands outstretched. (this is invoked by the sudden musical interlude of the professor, which i ought to hate..)


and emily, esmi, whoever she is, stops talking to herself and finally goes to bed. x

it's after 1.30 am and so anything I say now should probably be discounted. i'm annoyed at myself for even writing this since I had a positive email writing to charl today.. (and got one back! woo! and had a nice letter from Sam and I'm TRYING to letter/email/contact people I haven't for ages though not getting so far so far.
mm.. My show is on tomorrow afternoon. We are starting at half 2, with Clean White Sheets - in which I'm acting playing a cynical mother trying to teach her daughter that love and hoping for love isn't worth it. a character which - and i should not say this and don't really mean it - but a character which I'm feeling a teensy bit of sympathy with right now.
after Clean White Sheets is horribly upper middle class sketch show Fairly Familiar Things, clever but not always in my humour. anyway, I'm backstage-hand for that, then I'm followspotting for final show ChickenMan.
I've not been encouraging anyone I know to come because I don't know how much I want to have them see me on stage - i'm not too good at the naturalisticness (though I do get to show off a "hot" sillhouette if Beth frieden is anyone to go by ;). anyway, I'm not inviting people, and I stand by that right, but I'm feeling the slight pang of wanting someone I care about to see something I've been working on for ages. I don't exactly *deserve* it in any "returns" sort of way, I haven't been in Wales for either of the two nights, and though I wish I had been, I never had any real intention to, which is sad. But it would still be nice. I think I'd just like to feel appreciated for some /reason/ - something spontaneous springing from genuine admiration rather than a person's want to be nice and therefore compliment.
like the other night and watshisname with the red jumper ^_^. that felt good.
I know what I want and I feel silly for wanting it and feeling bad that I don't have it.
argh! the Eels. so totally relevant and scary right now. but they are good, only parallels that I DON't want to think about spring up in my mind.

I am smiling, by the way. Life is, in reality, in practice, great, it's just the "in theory" bits that are getting me down.
bleh.
but I still have totally wonderfully fab friends who are brill and I LOVE them more than a silly "I say I love you to everyone who I vaguely like so that they'll like me more" way. and many of them will be in Manch this weekend
crap! the MASSIVE dilemma
it's really currently much bigger a dilemma than just the £13 each way and four days of work it would cost me.
OH DAMN! DAMN and fucking blast.. it would be a good idea to be in manch.. but I couldn't do that and then, the next weekend also... and right now I NEED that weekend - if it happens - for mental settlement and possible rediscovery of why I'm putting up with feeling so crap, and why i've been able to put up with feeling so low for three weeks now. I *know* why, in theory, but I need to experience /some/ kind of benefit soon or.. I don't know what.
DAMN :(
I just don't know what to do.

the minutes pass us by, and, no matter where we are going, each one brings us closer to our grave. the time is always finite, whether it be spent well or poorly; enjoyed or longed away. An hour may drift by, wasted, whilst five minutes may be unsparable, a fundamental learning concept deftly explained or a gentle and uplifting song, carefully listened to, may change the day.
And as these minutes, which turn to hours and days pass they bring us closer to the things that we hope for and dread, and then those also pass, with the same minutes as everything else, and we are dropped back into another minute and day of otherness. DO we spend our time always waiting? or wishing that what we have waited for will not pass? do we spend our time better the less we are aware of it passing? once every minute counts, once everyu minute /has/ to count, doesn't the magic somehow go? isn't the fun in not knowing how long things will or will not last?
and, as always, when, how long, until these will be answered. And how long until the minutes, those worthwhile minutes, the shared minutes, which, in good company, can drift by and matter not, run out? or come around again? at this minute five other people's minutes pass with a totaly disparity in length.

anger

grrrrr

Globalisation

My choice of spelling globalisation with an S, as opposed to globalization is, immediately, some kind of statement about the system. My Microsoft word processor allows me to spell it in both ways. The spelling with a Z is, I’m deducing, the more “US” spelling, as it follows the trend, while with an S I feel it is more British English and I choose that as it is holding on to our culture in a medium that is increasingly becoming more and more homogenised and less individual.
That’s putting it rather grandly, for the mere spelling of a word, but I’m trying to illustrate a point, and since the internet and computer technology are some very specific examples of globalisation, it works.
I am publishing this on my own personal blog and, the chances are, other people will (at least begin to) read it – however interesting, well or poorly written it is. Had I written anything similar ten – maybe even five years ago, even if it was word processed it would not be as easy to publish on the internet. I could have had a similar effect that this will by printing it off and handing it to my friends, but then there would be no chance whatsoever that an outside party could accidentally stumble across it (for the record, I am not writing it for the purpose of an outside party reading it at all, it is merely an exercise in active learning and exploring my own views that does not involve reading), but in the format I have now – a ‘blog’ on a widely used system of blogs, there *is* the chance someone will read it who, as well as being unknown to me, might live in another country, continent, culture to my own.
This is down to globalisation, as far as I can tell. And, at least currently, globalisation is all about change. Some see it as a positive force, bringing things to people who would otherwise miss out – amongst examples given are, work brought to “less developed” countries in the form of call centres, factories, etc, working for multinational, usually “western” corporations, whose workforce is often largely “overseas”. Less developed countries can contact the west [it may be politically incorrect, but for simplicity I choose to see “the west” as being the so called first world; north America, and western Europe] and have access to similar “resources” as them in the spread of brand named products like coke, McDonalds, Starbucks etc.
There is a question as to whether having these “facilities” is a positive or a negative fact for developing countries: does it make them feel more like the west? If so, is this a good thing? It is, indisputably, changing their culture; it is changing ours. The every day butcher, grocer, baker is far rarer now we can just drop into tesco’s and get everything there. But does this matter? And if so, why?
I’m not going to get anywhere by asking these questions, we all know there are no explicit answers, that’s the whole point of education, it seems; the higher you go the *less* answers there are.
So, for what it is or isn’t worth, here’s my opinion:
Globalisation is a force. It is probably unstoppable by now, it has been going on for a long time and is just another name for change in the world. The world has constantly been changing, everything and everyone is constantly changing, trying to stop the flow of globalisation as I see it is like trying to stop day following night, it’s just how things go. We cannot say “globalisation is thoroughly bad, it is causing debt in Africa”. For one thing, globalisation is a massive thing and it cannot be blamed for specific problems. Governments cause debt in Africa. Multinational corporations start sweatshops. Globalisation has allowed them to do this, by making the world smaller, but ultimately, it is a two way force – the corporations have searched for a cheaper workforce and it has led them overseas, they have shrunk the world.
Back to culture: in my opinion, keeping your culture is a great idea. People talk about the convenience of buying everything in the same shop, but the question might be, why do we need convenience? So we can spend more time concentrating on our job. In the office of a corporation that is conveniencing others? I think it would be so much nicer to not worry so much about convenience and take the time to go between shops, in each of which you know the assistant, and the assistant knows their job well enough..

It’s getting too complicated and I’m not explaining well. I’m caught between being objective and having an opinion. It is so hard to have an opinion whilst seeing things objectively. I am concluding, once again, that higher education might be slightly pointless..

there is no sunshine today...

...it does not bode well.

a thought, some time later

I suppose the question is not do they see each other every day, but do they wish to? if they didn't, would the effort of contact be made?
aha! an answer. I do love those ^_^

more

yes, it's the same day and no, this won't be about globalisation. you will have to wait for that, I'm afraid

just trying to work something out in my head, it's kind of selfish thoughts, but meh. I've been at the folk society meet with lucy and we were talking about it a bit and, combined with other things, has left me feeling confused and perhaps not as joyous as I was earlier when, having thought about someone all day, they texted me! it was nice and isn't the first time it's happened. Maybe it didn't come with heart-stopping suddeness as it has in the past, but it's still something that made me feel good.
this will pretty much be cryptic due to my weird attempts to work stuff out - in public- but not actually want to give out selfish details, so i'm hoping no one actually understands it.
but, well..
if you're not with a person, and they're with other people, does the relative relationships mean that your relationship is somehow lessened? if you see someone every day, you are going to know them better than someone who sees them maybe onece a month. even if the two people who see each other rarely have an officially closer friendship, what does it mean in comparison? it's one of the things that kill me (in a truly hyperbolic sense), since the people I see every day, who see how I'm feeling as every day passes, who come to know my daily triumphs and troubles, and who come to know and learn about their daily lives, are not actually the people who I adore and, although many of them are nice, they are not the people who I *want* to know me in such detail, and i'd rather know the detail of others' lives so minutely, rather than theirs.
so, does this spoil the relationship I have with the people whose lives I do want to know each detail of? and if I did, would it make things better or worse? would it change things at all? I mean, I like those people I adore no less because I don't see them every day, I just wish that I could see them more. so, I will be liked no less despite other people making and being friends with those around them, right?
so why does it still hurt? because of jealousy. because I want to live with and be around those people I already know and adore. and this probably stops me from wanting to be with and adore the people around me. because it feels like there is a limit to a person's love and if you like some people more, will you like others less? of course not. but.. if you don't contact people enough, you miss out on so much of their daily lives that you've actually missed out - a whole episode of their lives that did not relate to you, that you didn't know about. so, is it a different person that you will meet when you next see them? if you don't speak to a person for a week, and don't know what's happened to them in that time, what difference does it make to how well you know them? if you see a person every day and they tell you what they're thinking each day, what does that mean in relation? Being away from someone for a long time over an important period of change in one's life can change how you think about them, and change your relationship with them, but then it might not. you might despair in the loss of a friend because you have not had any contact with them for a half a year or more, and think that you may have missed out on so much of their lives that nothing will be the same, and you will feel differently about them, but usually, and ultimately, you are the same people if you do meet up. and you can get to know one another again. and things that might have been going to happen in the past might occur. so one shouldn't feel bad about other people being with the people one loves more often than one is, because although you're missing out, defenately, on things you might enjoy, it won't directly change your relationship immediately, necessarily.
maybe.
if I can just convince myself of the fact. that it doesn't matter.
or perhaps thinking too much is not such a good idea?
I agree

smiles

*emily yawns*
I've been swimming. only for half an hour but I've just found out how unfit I am. but that means it'll be easier to get fit. being slightly fit just makes things harder - you have to put in a lot of effort to get exercise, but being completely unfit means you just have to walk up the road to get exercise. hooray!
Also, a nice night last night, talking, friends, people, people who make me laugh, possible tent pole (hahaha), not thinking about all the reasons I might be feeling bad about myself. because there's no point! hah! I know now :)

also, amongst other things, walking back from the swimming pool, almost laughing out loud as my head runs over various past times. No matter what else, I'm so happy that the months from July onwards existed. And other months also. the whole of the last two plus years has been pretty cool. as has other times.
life is good :)

AND, if you're all really lucky, I'll try to give you all a big thing about globalisation in my next post, since it's pretty much the first bit of IPIR (introduction to politics and international relations) that I've actually found really interesting. and can sort of come to a conclusion on. and i have to take a tutorial on it on thursday. hah!
well, it's better than the damn "optional clause" anyway. article 36 of the statute of the ICJ my arse, as they say. it don't mean nothing.

love you all. I will send letters eventually.

one of the easy ones..

what's it all about, really, when you get down to it?

erm...
my head's been flipped open and I'm completely and utterly lost. what am I doing? what do I care about? what do I want? what's the point in anything I'm doing? why am I going to meet suzie at ten o clock? why am I alone at the computers when I could be building theatre set? why should I be building theatre set when I could be alone at the computers? why should I constantly be doing something? if I'm not constantly doing something, what should I be doing? what's the point in anything at all? really? what is the point? why? anything? why is my brain doing this and how do I stop it?
oh my god
what am I doing?
i'm going home..

why can't I put stuff like this into words so well?



I Just Wanna Touch Your Skin
David Rovics


This hotel room’s so big and empty

This guitar’s just made of wood

This TV is made of plastic

I watch it, it isn’t good

This building is made of metal

Mortar, brick and stone

The sky is made of clouds

And I feel chilled now to the bone

This sheet is soft

It’s made of cotton

But I just wanna touch your skin



Outside is the road to nowhere

Nowhere is where I am

Some town in some country

Where the food all tastes like Spam

Oh but if you were here now

You could take off your shirt

And this food would go down easier

With you for my dessert

I would kiss you

From your nipple to your shin

I just wanna touch your skin



I like looking at your picture

When I’m sitting on my own

I like to hear your voice

On the wrong end of the phone

I like to read your emails

All the things you want to do

All the places you want to take me

Next time I see you

When you can take me out

Of the state I’m in

I just wanna touch your skin

oh dear god :(

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6128614.stm

hah!

I just thought I could share the story of my day because i think it's verry funny, though I'm not entirely sure why.

the conclusion is, I'm totally rubbish, but it's amusing so I don't mind all that much right now.
here's how it goes:
I woke up late because my stupid alarms are playing up. I had the plan to do work - catching up on stuff I've missed by going back to wales, and to find a dentist since a piece of one of my teeth fell out on friday, which is a bit crap, and I want to get it sorted.
So far I've totally failed on both accounts, which is just down to how totally rubbish I am, but the way I went about failing is even more amusing.

I've been kind of low all day - like unable to do anything or think about anything low: every time I tried to get anything started I couldn't because I felt like there were so many things I needed to do I couldn't actually start anything and I'd not be able to do any of them right anyway. Plus charl's possibly been arrested, which is great for her but I was feeling guilty about not being there (it's how life is), and I was and still am feeling shattered to the point that my head is full of clouds and is really floaty. And nothing seemed important, and I just felt alone and ill and like I'd never be able to do anything again.
I decided that if I got to the dentists I'd have done something usefull and it would make me feel better, so I set of for the "emergency" dental care place for people not registered with a dentist, but when I got to the door, literally to the door, I chickened out and walked away, which is stupid, but I did it. I then decided to go to "the advice place" to get info on dentists in the area but chickened out of that too - much like I used to before the summer, I've spent too much time alone, I think. So I gave in and phoned mum, hoping she might have some idea what to do as I had nothing to start on.. she suggested phoning people, which I couldn't do either due to idiotic fear of phones.. so I returned home, ate fried bananas with cinnamon, chocolate and honey, and coffee with soya milk, which was nice, attempted to work and again failed miserably (literally) decided I was useless at everything, would never be able to do ANYTHING EVER again... thought I'd try to email Harry as I'd promised to last night and it might be something I could just about get through (plus I actually wanted to) started writing a not too good email when my computer turned itself off for no apparent reason. Hooray! I stormed out of my room while it rebooted, eventually returned, got things running again..
caught sight of a line in a letter from Josh saying ...nice things about me. I'd felt like I was so far down the "I'm an idiot" train of thought that even a compliament from someone else wouldn't actually drag me out... but this just made me laugh.
and laugh and laugh
it's amazing. and ...well it is because it's from Josh and it's a compliament, but also, laughing is so amazing. and now I still feel cloudy, floaty, tired and unable to work, I still know I'm an idiot, but I'm not necessarily useless at everything, and it doesn't matter anyway, and I'm smiling and giggling.. and everyone's great. and you have to feel bad sometimes, and I may fail my course but it doesn't matter, and you don't know what's around the corner.

heh, I hate it when people insult themselves (generally), particularly when they do it in a "I'm holding up.. I'm jolly" sort of way. but this is just meant to be a record of how life is great, and it throws little things in your way, even when you feel like you can't see how you'll ever feel any good ever again, or that you have no fucking right to feel bad because your life is theoretically great (and, indeed, I have no idea where the lowness is coming from, damn it, it may be the lack of sunshine. grr..) BUT things pick up. and if they don't it's very often possible to find some way of getting them to pick up, even if you don't feel like trying..

erm.. god.. selfish notes. but I shall insult myself no more and say
life is beautiful
janie and Kath's presents and letters were lovely and I miss those gorgeous girls
Harry's also great and should get a phone again
Ellen's also fab and, I feel quite bad for being surprised by this, but she's also *so* pretty.
Charl is dead impressive and I hope she's in a prizon cell, or perhaps has been released by now. Hah!
the people here are OK and I suppose their not 100% totally amazingly fabness must be dealt with since they weren't lucky enough to come from a part of the country that is damn good
All other llandovey clanners and some powys-ers are also unbelievably great and I miss them.
other people are great too and the world may be a mess, but we're here now and must enjoy it as we can

and.. I'm not all that bad all the time. Hooray for me!

smile. it feels so good.

oh. my. god.

How can you miss someone so much it makes you feel physically sick?
damn it.. why can't I just be content with what I have. grrrrrr





oh, PS, charl and Lauren may well be in a prizon cell right now. hooray for them!

it's so weird that you can feel so happy and so utterly awful at the same time.
I'm just trying so hard to find something to feel good about myself for at the moment. It's not a self pitying thing at all, I'm not searching for compliaments (oh dear, god knows why I insist on constantly publishing all this rubbish, if I want to write a diary why not do it secretly? I can't really tell, but here I am and if you're reading this here you are, reading it.. and I don't, don't know why..) and I'm not looking to find others' pity - I keep realising that I must be one of the luckyiest people in the world - in a developped country for a start, with clothes and a roof over my head and plenty of food and, in my oppinion, the best amount of money - not so little I can't afford to live but not so much I don't know what to do with it, plus I have amazing friends and a supportive family, I have multiple homes and come from one of the most beautiful places in the world, where life is easy, simple and means something. I am at a good university and have the ability to get through it - or at least I believe so at times - and here I have people to talk to and things to do that I enjoy, I am generally kept busy and have so many facilities at my disposal that I can worry about other things than how to find a computer to work on or where to get course books or information.
Actually, listing all these amazing things i have has made me feel a bit better..
but then I must pay for them somehow, and I feel like I'm failing in every way in that aspect. I have done nothing to save the world, not enough to keep in touch with my wonderful friends and family, I'm even afraid to go to the dentist to look after myself.. and I'm left feeling so empty and useless. totally useless in fact. what am I doing to contribute to anything? I really can't find a single example, but right now can hardly think of anything I'm able to do, and don't feel I have the energy to change again right now.

but this is all speculation, I'll have you know. I believe and hope that tomorrow, or this afternoon, will bring more positive feelings. right now my heart is very much elsewhere and my head is probably still journeying back up to edinburgh, slower than the train journey, and everything seems so big and wide and open and I wish I could be more single minded and see things only in one way.
It feels at the moment that almost every minute I'm skipping between alternative universes, now I'm on top of my work and doing plenty, now I'm falling so far behind and will never catch up or pass. Now I'm eating fine and I'm healthy, now I'm falling to pieces, fat and unhealthy. Now I'm a friendly outgoing person who can hold a conversation, now I'm a selfish introverted idiot who no one in their right minds would actually want to talk to. Now I'm a freak, copmletely unlike anyone else, now I'm completely unoriginal and have no thoughts that many many many people javen't thought a million times before. Now I'm fine being here and can deal with distance and time pulling me from the people I love, now I can hardly bear the seperation and want to leave immediately. Now I want nothing more than a strong pair of arms to hold me tight, feeling that the world can melt away and leave me like that forever for all I care.
Perspective is impossible. It is my theory that everyone has their own world and it is impossible to see them all at once.
hmm.. well..
I shall be glad of what I have and not sad that it is not always immediate.

bleh..
just a pointer that only 2 hours sleep is not always fun
actually, it is fun
yes.
and I should shut up, right?
still, I'm all cold and tired and nervous and my brain has drifted elsewhere and I want it back, damn it!