hah!

I just thought I could share the story of my day because i think it's verry funny, though I'm not entirely sure why.

the conclusion is, I'm totally rubbish, but it's amusing so I don't mind all that much right now.
here's how it goes:
I woke up late because my stupid alarms are playing up. I had the plan to do work - catching up on stuff I've missed by going back to wales, and to find a dentist since a piece of one of my teeth fell out on friday, which is a bit crap, and I want to get it sorted.
So far I've totally failed on both accounts, which is just down to how totally rubbish I am, but the way I went about failing is even more amusing.

I've been kind of low all day - like unable to do anything or think about anything low: every time I tried to get anything started I couldn't because I felt like there were so many things I needed to do I couldn't actually start anything and I'd not be able to do any of them right anyway. Plus charl's possibly been arrested, which is great for her but I was feeling guilty about not being there (it's how life is), and I was and still am feeling shattered to the point that my head is full of clouds and is really floaty. And nothing seemed important, and I just felt alone and ill and like I'd never be able to do anything again.
I decided that if I got to the dentists I'd have done something usefull and it would make me feel better, so I set of for the "emergency" dental care place for people not registered with a dentist, but when I got to the door, literally to the door, I chickened out and walked away, which is stupid, but I did it. I then decided to go to "the advice place" to get info on dentists in the area but chickened out of that too - much like I used to before the summer, I've spent too much time alone, I think. So I gave in and phoned mum, hoping she might have some idea what to do as I had nothing to start on.. she suggested phoning people, which I couldn't do either due to idiotic fear of phones.. so I returned home, ate fried bananas with cinnamon, chocolate and honey, and coffee with soya milk, which was nice, attempted to work and again failed miserably (literally) decided I was useless at everything, would never be able to do ANYTHING EVER again... thought I'd try to email Harry as I'd promised to last night and it might be something I could just about get through (plus I actually wanted to) started writing a not too good email when my computer turned itself off for no apparent reason. Hooray! I stormed out of my room while it rebooted, eventually returned, got things running again..
caught sight of a line in a letter from Josh saying ...nice things about me. I'd felt like I was so far down the "I'm an idiot" train of thought that even a compliament from someone else wouldn't actually drag me out... but this just made me laugh.
and laugh and laugh
it's amazing. and ...well it is because it's from Josh and it's a compliament, but also, laughing is so amazing. and now I still feel cloudy, floaty, tired and unable to work, I still know I'm an idiot, but I'm not necessarily useless at everything, and it doesn't matter anyway, and I'm smiling and giggling.. and everyone's great. and you have to feel bad sometimes, and I may fail my course but it doesn't matter, and you don't know what's around the corner.

heh, I hate it when people insult themselves (generally), particularly when they do it in a "I'm holding up.. I'm jolly" sort of way. but this is just meant to be a record of how life is great, and it throws little things in your way, even when you feel like you can't see how you'll ever feel any good ever again, or that you have no fucking right to feel bad because your life is theoretically great (and, indeed, I have no idea where the lowness is coming from, damn it, it may be the lack of sunshine. grr..) BUT things pick up. and if they don't it's very often possible to find some way of getting them to pick up, even if you don't feel like trying..

erm.. god.. selfish notes. but I shall insult myself no more and say
life is beautiful
janie and Kath's presents and letters were lovely and I miss those gorgeous girls
Harry's also great and should get a phone again
Ellen's also fab and, I feel quite bad for being surprised by this, but she's also *so* pretty.
Charl is dead impressive and I hope she's in a prizon cell, or perhaps has been released by now. Hah!
the people here are OK and I suppose their not 100% totally amazingly fabness must be dealt with since they weren't lucky enough to come from a part of the country that is damn good
All other llandovey clanners and some powys-ers are also unbelievably great and I miss them.
other people are great too and the world may be a mess, but we're here now and must enjoy it as we can

and.. I'm not all that bad all the time. Hooray for me!

smile. it feels so good.