it's so weird that you can feel so happy and so utterly awful at the same time.
I'm just trying so hard to find something to feel good about myself for at the moment. It's not a self pitying thing at all, I'm not searching for compliaments (oh dear, god knows why I insist on constantly publishing all this rubbish, if I want to write a diary why not do it secretly? I can't really tell, but here I am and if you're reading this here you are, reading it.. and I don't, don't know why..) and I'm not looking to find others' pity - I keep realising that I must be one of the luckyiest people in the world - in a developped country for a start, with clothes and a roof over my head and plenty of food and, in my oppinion, the best amount of money - not so little I can't afford to live but not so much I don't know what to do with it, plus I have amazing friends and a supportive family, I have multiple homes and come from one of the most beautiful places in the world, where life is easy, simple and means something. I am at a good university and have the ability to get through it - or at least I believe so at times - and here I have people to talk to and things to do that I enjoy, I am generally kept busy and have so many facilities at my disposal that I can worry about other things than how to find a computer to work on or where to get course books or information.
Actually, listing all these amazing things i have has made me feel a bit better..
but then I must pay for them somehow, and I feel like I'm failing in every way in that aspect. I have done nothing to save the world, not enough to keep in touch with my wonderful friends and family, I'm even afraid to go to the dentist to look after myself.. and I'm left feeling so empty and useless. totally useless in fact. what am I doing to contribute to anything? I really can't find a single example, but right now can hardly think of anything I'm able to do, and don't feel I have the energy to change again right now.

but this is all speculation, I'll have you know. I believe and hope that tomorrow, or this afternoon, will bring more positive feelings. right now my heart is very much elsewhere and my head is probably still journeying back up to edinburgh, slower than the train journey, and everything seems so big and wide and open and I wish I could be more single minded and see things only in one way.
It feels at the moment that almost every minute I'm skipping between alternative universes, now I'm on top of my work and doing plenty, now I'm falling so far behind and will never catch up or pass. Now I'm eating fine and I'm healthy, now I'm falling to pieces, fat and unhealthy. Now I'm a friendly outgoing person who can hold a conversation, now I'm a selfish introverted idiot who no one in their right minds would actually want to talk to. Now I'm a freak, copmletely unlike anyone else, now I'm completely unoriginal and have no thoughts that many many many people javen't thought a million times before. Now I'm fine being here and can deal with distance and time pulling me from the people I love, now I can hardly bear the seperation and want to leave immediately. Now I want nothing more than a strong pair of arms to hold me tight, feeling that the world can melt away and leave me like that forever for all I care.
Perspective is impossible. It is my theory that everyone has their own world and it is impossible to see them all at once.
hmm.. well..
I shall be glad of what I have and not sad that it is not always immediate.