it's after 1.30 am and so anything I say now should probably be discounted. i'm annoyed at myself for even writing this since I had a positive email writing to charl today.. (and got one back! woo! and had a nice letter from Sam and I'm TRYING to letter/email/contact people I haven't for ages though not getting so far so far.
mm.. My show is on tomorrow afternoon. We are starting at half 2, with Clean White Sheets - in which I'm acting playing a cynical mother trying to teach her daughter that love and hoping for love isn't worth it. a character which - and i should not say this and don't really mean it - but a character which I'm feeling a teensy bit of sympathy with right now.
after Clean White Sheets is horribly upper middle class sketch show Fairly Familiar Things, clever but not always in my humour. anyway, I'm backstage-hand for that, then I'm followspotting for final show ChickenMan.
I've not been encouraging anyone I know to come because I don't know how much I want to have them see me on stage - i'm not too good at the naturalisticness (though I do get to show off a "hot" sillhouette if Beth frieden is anyone to go by ;). anyway, I'm not inviting people, and I stand by that right, but I'm feeling the slight pang of wanting someone I care about to see something I've been working on for ages. I don't exactly *deserve* it in any "returns" sort of way, I haven't been in Wales for either of the two nights, and though I wish I had been, I never had any real intention to, which is sad. But it would still be nice. I think I'd just like to feel appreciated for some /reason/ - something spontaneous springing from genuine admiration rather than a person's want to be nice and therefore compliment.
like the other night and watshisname with the red jumper ^_^. that felt good.
I know what I want and I feel silly for wanting it and feeling bad that I don't have it.
argh! the Eels. so totally relevant and scary right now. but they are good, only parallels that I DON't want to think about spring up in my mind.

I am smiling, by the way. Life is, in reality, in practice, great, it's just the "in theory" bits that are getting me down.
bleh.
but I still have totally wonderfully fab friends who are brill and I LOVE them more than a silly "I say I love you to everyone who I vaguely like so that they'll like me more" way. and many of them will be in Manch this weekend
crap! the MASSIVE dilemma
it's really currently much bigger a dilemma than just the £13 each way and four days of work it would cost me.
OH DAMN! DAMN and fucking blast.. it would be a good idea to be in manch.. but I couldn't do that and then, the next weekend also... and right now I NEED that weekend - if it happens - for mental settlement and possible rediscovery of why I'm putting up with feeling so crap, and why i've been able to put up with feeling so low for three weeks now. I *know* why, in theory, but I need to experience /some/ kind of benefit soon or.. I don't know what.
DAMN :(
I just don't know what to do.