mumble

well yes. no one's reading this which is absolutely great and means I can ramble on aimlessly without wasting anyone's time. infact I really am wasting my time as I should be saving this till the libary's open and this isn't costing me.
well I'll keep it short.
I met the charity people again today which was nice, talked to penny for a while (hehe the guy just sort of went all self important and sympathy seeking.. ignoring me. it was funny) and she was really good to talk to, we talked like we'd known each other for ages. and I volunteered at the peace and justice group, which was also good for making me feel good. then I went to get my train ticket to go and see charl on monday! woop. though it's £25 - then I got a text from Julien saying I'd only be working 4 shifts a week for all of october, that's probably less than £100 a week I'll be earning, so I'm going to be POOR... and I don't really have much hope of getting another job because I'm rubbish and there are too many students around. bugger. but as long as I keep busy and stuff I'm sure it'll be OK. if I'm volunteering all the time I won't have time to spend money. and I already spent a little while chatting to the person in the P&Jcentre like a normal person. well almost, though I was a bit biggotted about all I knew about the peace movement and stuff. unaccurate too. bugger.
STILL edinbugh makes me paranoid. and another thing I've had on my mind too.. I've had no one to tell me what to do, who to be etc, for the first time in my life (same as the rest of the first years really I suppose) and I'm finally getting a chance to find out who I really am (heh, you know it's going to be corny and cliched when you read this blog - don't be surprised at such comments).. and although I still understand and know that I'm a selfish, stupid, insensitive little bitch, which I've always known and shall always, hopefully keep in mind, the thing that's frightened me most is that.. I'm not always that bad. there have been times when I positively like myself. it's an odd feeling and rarely lasts longer than a period of sunshine does here in edinburgh, but hmm... it leaves me frightened that there's something massively bad that I'm doing without realising it, like accidentally drawing up plans to destroy the entire civilisation or wearing 'vote bush' stickers on my clothes. anyway. sacry. but, well.. nice. occasionally. (until another reality kicks in at least).
yes. not trying to sound self-pitying but, as usual, probably failing. hmm.
had I written when I'd wanted to, at about 2pm, this should have been a far livelier blog, but the library closes at 1pm on saturdays and I'd forgotten that.
off to flat party with Alex and Aline tonight. Oh joy. ordinary french people, KT tunstall and possibly a dodgy guy called bertraud or bertrand who I know already 'likes' me, in that he likes the fact that I wear vest tops when working at the crepe stall. strange guy.
hooray. I'll see charl on monday anyway! can't wait.
Ohh... and I might be having a flat party of my own! for my very own birthday! with a kind of flat-warming party really but hopefully I can kind of say "...and by the way..." so if anyone fancies the oh so short trip up.. probably the weekend of the 14th (two weeks) though nothing's certain. and as I told charl: there'll be bonfires and firge juggling and everything that's fab about parties..in my mind. but if you like... rooms.. and ..french people.. and.. erm.. we have a toaster.. so yeah, it should be great.
right?