falle os ni gyd yn gwaeddu, bydd rhywyn yn clywed

...as the great Gorki's Zygotig Mynci lyrics go.
just a little info, i suppose..
what's going on at the moment is Tony Blair is being an idiot, he's trying to expand britain's nuclear industry, increasing the amout of dangerous, carcenogenic toxic waste that will be produced, waste that lasts for ..at least 240,000years. that's a number we can't even think about. and some already exists and hs been existing for a "long time". but think even if it had been around for 100 years, which it hasn't, that's just a mere 239,900 years left. and even then it won't be gone completely. It causes cancer and deformity in unborn children, it is HORRIBLE and NASTY. (but don't let me influence your view). Plus, 20 years ago, 3 months after charl was born, three before Kath and 6 before I was born, a great powerstation in Chernobil in Belarus had a nasty accident. It caused a great many deaths at the time and people are still suffering horribly and dying from the effects today and will do tomorrow. Had the accident been dealt with less well, the whole of europe would now be uninhabitable. that means no you, no me, no other friends and parents and family and teachers and colleagues and rather nice ice skating young men..
urgh. it's not a nice thing, nuclear power. people say it can replace fossil fules and ave the ozone layer in some way. like hell it can. it still uses fsilfules, admittedly less of them than coal, gas, oil, etc energy, but still, no "perfect solution". and it will cost more. and it's stupid.
urgh, sorry to be so negative, i don't like preaching at all, to my friends least of all, but I just really really want to live to be old. charl says that lots of things have predicted some kind of appocralypse in 2012, and I'm certain it will be nuclear. that may be nuclear weapons, but as long as there are power stations, there's the chance of making weapons.
really, this is just selfishness to the extreme. I don't want to die and I don't want my friends to die. I want to keep having fun and to grow old and be annoying and not to have to chain myself to fences 'cause there are no fences that need people to chain themselves to them.
though a bit of fence-chaining is always kinda fun.
anyway.. erm.. that's all.
still, I miss everyone lots and lots. see you all soonish though. maybe. stay happy and sweet.

arghhhh... too much...
w/e with charl was nice. don't really need to say much about what we did 'cause we didn't really do much.
some words to sum it all up. some are connected but not in the right order just to make life fun:
naughty, pinacolada, bear ( ;) ) photographs, GAY!, crepes, underwear, charity, skating, cold, ice, shopping, lists, whisky, watching, dark,
humm.. sure there are more words.
anyway, after charl left.. i went to see david rovics play. it was lovely to hear him but the whole thing left me feeling really awfully awful.. totally rubbish, remembering going to see him last time, all my plans, i thought i'd do cool things and..you know.. save the planet a bit, but i've done absolutely nothing of any value to anyone as far as I can tell. not in any really useful way anyway. and I don't really know if I can.. urhg. I just want to.. well do things. like beat tony blair around the face for his stupid stupid horible stupid idea of replacing the nuclear power stations. he's stupid and has no brain and should be made to sit in a bucket of old rotting herrings for the rest of eternity. stupid horrible man. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
BUT the one nice thing about monday night.. apart from actually hearing david rovics play was... he remembered me!! I was so well chuffed. AND he said I looked like an elf. otherwise I talked absolute rubbish to him, as you do with your heroes, and left feeling horribly embarrassed and stupid (must have been the heat or aire... or other outside factors) but still.. I wish i had interesting things to say or could actually talk to people.
ohhh... and his music is nice :)
humm... not really anything else, except I think I mamaged to miss an 'appointment' with rebeca tonight, so i'm feeling quite guilty about that too. and i'm going to pizza hut with aline, which is part of the pepsico company which supports George BUsh, so is horrid and should be avoided. buggerr. the world will go to hell and it's all my fault..
heh i know that's not true. i don't want any contradictory comments either, this is stuff bubbling in my head needing to be let out
TONY BLAIR SMELLS and i hate him. you know, if they hadn't built a massive concrete wall to stop the seccond explosion at chernobil 20years ago, the whole of europe would be uninhabitable. that's how totally stupid and horrible nuclear power is. yuck yuck yuck. and that's just the power stations, don't forget the bombs. just look at photos of hiroshima and nagasaki.. 100,000s dead from teensy little ones..
i think i'll say some more coherently when i'm not off to kill things by socialising. I shall have to switch my brain off for the night to stop myself from bashing me round the head for being so silly.
tony blair smellssssssss
herrings, herrings, herrings they're cheap and they're...delicious..
(heh, Mr Scruff in manchester next week, don't forget guys)
PS i'm coming home in less than 2 weeks!!! :) :)

dit-moi..

well, I have two nice things to tell.
no, three.
no, four.
probably more. that's nice :) but four I can think of right now.
the first is that David Rovics is playing in edinburgh on monday the 28th of november in.. some pub or other, infirmary street! yay! he's also playing in glasgow the night before but I needn't go to that because of the secon nice thing which is:
Charl's coming up! wooo! saturday till monday evening, which is, well sort of lots of time :) :). anyway, I'm pleased.
the third nice thing is I got an letter from Ynysau Uchaf this morning, which is loverly, but i'm saving it till after work, so I haven't opened it yet-strong display of willpower.
and the fourth is I go a funny email from a master edward "bod" turtle this morning telling me i was a good cook for knowing how to put herbs and butter in baked beans. I think i was the same age as him when my brother came home from uni and showed me that trick. I thought much the same. heh, life is funny.

I also have a less than good thing to write. Ususally i'd leave good things till last to end on a positive note, but this is one of those things i'm afrai i'll ramble about for a while, so hopefully the top bit will be the bit that matters and the rest will be left to tail off in some obscure way.
anyway, I seem to have got myself in quite a mess with my manager concerning leaving. I sort of didn't tell him I was going until a few days ago and.. well.. it seems the entire staff are going home for christmas and he wants me to stay. in my stupidity I seem to have let him understand that it's because of a problem with the flat tha I am leving and he's trying to help me find a new one..
problem.
So anyway, i'm defenately not staying here a minute longer than I have to.. SO i'm going to try to once again abuse the "domestic problems" card, tell him my mum's got to go to court about her divorce, and that it's in december and I need to be there. This is very slightly true - she will have to go to court, but it's efenately not in december and I probably won't have to be there.. though that's only what mum says and we can't be sure.
so.. there it is. I don't feel too bad about playing this card so often.. I might as well reap the bnefits seeing as it's sort of slightly fucking me up on the delayed reaction kind of thing at the moment. I suppose one can't be completely unmoved by such things without paying for it a little somehow.
anyway, this has got me thinking further.. I once started a blog saying "i've ust been called a very honest person". the point was it was my mum who said that, and complared to her maybe I am, but I am NOT an honest person, I'm right deceptive and silly like that. i've been brought up to keep people happy, and if that means bending the truth so be it. I should really just start telling the truth and not be so bloody frightened of it all the time. the thing is, i think, that if you tell someone a lie, and they don't like you or are cross with you because of it, you can always tell yourself "well.. it was a lie so it doesn't matter", but the truth.. hurts (hah, me? cliches?? never!).
um, so anyway, that's it. I wish I was honest but i'm not. and I want to go hoommmeeee. or whatever passes for it. wales'd do. get away from this city I adore. and I do adore it here, it's lovely, but.. well it's lacking in certain things. like people who have half a brain.
humm, I think that's unfair. well.. people with a spark and good taste then. or maybe it's just that they're not the best people in the world.
ach well. we'll see. i'm off to brave my fate and lie to julian. I have my eyelash flashing black mascara on and slightly wobbly voice at the ready..

(oh, PS, I don't think I lie to my friends, except maybe about my secret life as a crime and aligator-fighting superhero, but that's meant to be secret, so I hope you'll understand ;) )

oh golly...

I listened to the whole of motorcade of generosity the other day, while it was getting dark, and I did go a bit wobbly, but i left it going. i'm well proud. this will mean absolutely nothing to anyone but.. well.. i'm still proud.
BUT the reason i could was because my brother gave me the most nicest nice MP3 player for a present and it's so nice and.. well nice. i so totally really completely don't deserve something so nice, but i've got it now and i'm not giving it back.
um.. that's about it really.

i remembered that the other day I was also going to moan about people smoking, which is really starting to piss me off lots now. i don't want to die of lung cancer. i know that i've recently expressed positive ...expressions... regarding to the inhaling of certain substances - but that's only really 'cause it reminds me of home. there's some law that says people have a right not to be subjected to smoke when they're working - i think - but how can you stop it when people smoke right outside the caravan when the're buying stuff. it seems to me that now there are more laws about where you can and can't smoke, when smokers get into areas where they are allowed to smoke - like the street for example, they just assume everyone else in that are MUST be fine with them smoking or else they'd not be there. in the good old days people used to ask before they lit up..
anyway i'm not in the mood to go into detail, i'm suddenly and inexplicably tired and not feeling great anyway. i think i need some fruit. and maybe some real people to talk to..
wish i wasn't so stupid and lonely. still, when i come back to wales i'm going to live with my brother over christmas, which will be really cool! and i'll learn to drive so i can drive places too.
oh let december come (and stop it getting dark at 3pm please, please!)
i'll leave with some profound words that i just read:
"we don't minf you eaing or drinking at the workstations AS LONG AS IT IS OUR FOOD AND DRINK"
surely, the internet cafe people know what they're talking about.
;)

yes yes, I'm conscious that I'm blogging every day again, but I have few people to talk to so mucst relate my day to day antics somewhere or I'll doubt that they even hppened (everyone needs someone to tell about their day.. even if it's themselves)
boy am I profound.
anyway, there was some news. but I seem to have forgotten it. well, i'm 7.5hours through my 13hoursworking day, hooray. i've been 'turning' (ie. making) crepes all day, which is fun, i've eaten far too many and so remain sillily un-thin. i'm learnign to live with it though, i sort of feel tired of skinny people, as we decied over the summer in edinburgh, you tend o find that larger people are more friendly. though i know that's not exclusively true, many of my friends are not what I could call 'larger' but are, as has already been established, some of the best people in the world. but anyway, as I said, i don't really mind being not skinny, it's just a couple of things that make me want to not be as i am, which are I want to fit into my long brown skirt again, just because it was such a nice feeling when I did, and also, so many people reacted positivly when I lost weight last autumn that it seems as if I should do so again. hmm, sciety is annoyyinng. and i don't want any comments about my size or weight either way, please, that's not the point.
humm anyway, forgetting that previous ramble..
i spet the day with another bunch of fundraisers round my caravan oday, which was nice, and I got to do more flirting with the two younger men, who both had awful hair and were... well boys, but still, it was someone to talk to. and i'm being convinced that doing the fundraising thing would be kind of cool, you get minimum of £204 a week PLUS accommoation and transport, which is amasing, seeing as I'm currently geting about £90 a week and paying rent out of that. i love the team idea, and the travelling and stuff, but i don't know whether my heart would be in it.. the guy I spoke to today said they can earn about £1400 for the charity per month, BUT you can earn about £1000 for yourself per month, meaning, I suppose, that you're only getting £400for the charity MAX.. i really don't understand it and wouldn't be able to account for it if I was doing such work. and i'd much prefer to travel eurpoe than the UK, though it would give me a better grasp of the geography of the country. and i don't want to travel alone...
another comment I had: erm. oh yes, there was a nice girl fundraising today too, she was funny and friendly to watch and I wanted to talk to her, but didn't really get a chance, but she reminded me of ella lots, which was sort of nice, 'cause ella's nice. heh. and on the subject of girls, there was this spanish girl who came to look at our flat the other day and, boy, was she good looking.. i promise i'm meaning to go straight, but she was really sort of pretty in a non conventional sort of way, and (oddly enough - honestly oddly enough) reminded me of joshuaro a bit.. hummmm. spanish girls do seems to be pretty though. but not as pretty as certain welsh girls obvously.
well, while i'm ramblong and not making iny sense, I might as well unlode some of my annoyance about buce too. he's really pissing me off at the moment, not his fault really, more mine, but he just can't take a hint. he needs to talk and i'm not patient enough to put up with it. i probably would be if it was needs to talk about his life or problems or something, but he just tells me about how he burns himself at work or twice about how he went to london and couldn't find the bank. and if I try to hint that i want to phone someone by.. say.. putting the reciever to my ear, he just KEEPS talking, and if I say, 'i'm going to make some food', he KEEPS talking. ohhh, i'm just not a good enough person to deal with it and have to resort to hiding in my room because if I stay in the kitchen I have to be horribly rude and keep my back to him or hide behind a book to stop he talking to me. (charl if you read this at all, it's not tentpolage, just annoying personige). grr. so now i sound quite insensitive and horrible. hooray, but it's true, i just can't spend hours, literally, listening to the same things, really really pessimistic things too. and he's in some kind of debt. I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH IT on top of other things - like trying to look polite and interested as he explains about his pizza hut hours, while i'm desperate to run away and hide in my room with a sheet over my head because it's getting dark again. and then i feel bad because i can't put up with him, and he's a human being too and deserves people to listen to him and all that, but i just can't do it..
bugger. maybe i should just get bruce a blog, nothing he writes could be much more rubbish than what i'm doing. heh.
erm.. was there anything else. i'm sure this is very long, again i'm hoping no one will read it (then why do i put it here and not just save it on my computer where no one can read? i honestly don't know). ohh i should be looking for christmas jobs in aber, and emailing kit, and writing a piece for heddwch for mum, and a motivation letter for jill evans, but it's 8.30 and i'm working again at 10 and maybe i'll just go home for un peu de detendre
*sigh*, life is SO hard..
sarcasm.
fairy cakes

je ne t'aime plus mon amour

i've discovered that manu chao and its happy-related feelings is a good way to get me through the evenings! wooo!


oh and amaretto... heheheheheheh ;)

gwneud pen fi mewn

i don't know how much longer I can stand this bloody evening autumn atmosphere, it's really getting to me. If I knew why it probably wouldn't be too bad, and if i didn't like it so much, theoretically. it's just the sort of getting darker expectant feeling and... well I'm not sure really, but it makes me shiver every now and then and sort of "creeps me out" quite a lot. I just want to run away and hide in a warm room with the curtains shut and the lights on and some music or sound in my head so I can't think about what's outside, until it's properly dark AND night time. which is annoying 'cause I love dusk and autumn and atmosphere, but for some reason this is really getting to me, dammit. I shan't be able to listen to the Eels for a good while anyway. brrrr....
humm.. otherwist edinburgh's still here and working well without me it seems. they've managed surprisingly well, considering. I did like seeing people in wales, it was nice, though i am actually pleased to be back, i suppose just for the safeness, which is silly. back to a hermit-y existance for a month then.. who knows. Ellen and Harry offered me to live in their attick, which would be cool and is horribly tempting considering the llangammarch-based location and people, but then again it is llangammarch.. and well.. a bit silly. heh. nice idea.
must go, this costs dammit.


I will not be trusted or taken for granted. do not assume you know what I'm thinking. je suis qu'une femme.

oh ho

just a quickie before I run off back to the bonny land of the scots. italy was interesting is uninspiring, wales has been super ab to see everyone,though it feels like it's turned me into more of an idiot and it feels nice to be going back to my little hermity-existance where I can watch my moves properly and stop behaving silly. though silly's fun now and then. (a nice rest from polynnau pabell will be greatly welcome.) phewph what a week and a half.
see you all in december if I haven't been sacked and die of starvation or edinburgh chill beforehand.
life is a little strange. too strange. humm
mmmm.... wireless headphones here I come ;)
stay safe and happy please everyone, and lovvveeeeee and huggs to samantha-beep-beep-birdie who we will miss lots and her sunnyness and niceness and funnyness will obviously be a benefit to new-zealand and be a loss in gwalia.