eek

right. erm. yes. well.. appologies to everyone. luckily no one needs them really as they didn't get subjected to the force of my going wobbly over a number of days. Mainly bloody family being bloody family and particularly stuff that I'm not alowed to say being bloody annoying. I will say this: I got my french amended grade in the post from administration man (the ysgol Pantycelyn superhero, so exciting someone might forget their name for a second). I've got EXACTLY an A: 480marks out of 600. It's well good enough for me, and for the first time, I really feel I deserve those extra 8 marks, whatever the hell stories the world has...
ANYWAY.. before I get bitter and selfish and start to feel sick and dizzy again let's get on to brighter things!
WELL haven't I been busy eh? I've been working much with pancakes, getting all greasy and fat (SO much fun, what what?) and being flirted with lots by men who "want to buy a crepe" (har har) but are nonetheless good for tips. god knows why, I look awful most of the time, but if it's earning me an extra £1 a day.. who am I to complain?
Edinburgh life is making me increasingly paranoid. I made friends with some charity workers who were outside my trailer all day monday and were very friendly and nice. as I left for home they told me they'd keep working until they had 3names (people giving money) each, and would move on to princes st. if they didn't by aout 6pm. Later that night, for my own interesting and dark reasons, I had to go along princes street, and there was absolutely NO question that, although it was much later and horrible wet rainy weather and they'd all had almost all the people they needed, that I'd meet them coming home. and I did. urgh. I sometimes feel I'm a character in a novel, everything works out so neatly here. though if I am, i'm not the main character, or it's a bit where they say "for the next few months she lived in edinburgh" then gets on to an interesting bit involving other people, aliens, flesh eating zombies, dashing young men, mermaids, intergalactic space travel or any combination of more interesting and worthwhile material. So yes, paranoia.
I feel all grown up today too, it's my first week-day off since I've been back so I've been doing week day things and I've just got a library card! SO cool!, like they have free stuff here and everything, it's well wicked. I've borrowed 'silas marner' and a book about TEFL, and I'm using the hour long free internet facilities as we speak. I'm also thinking aobout going to walk up a hill later, and then maybe I'll go to the cinema.
yes, alone. yes it's my fault and I'm stupid not to just walk out on the street and make friends with the first person I meet. so slap me. I have been invited to a flat party on saturday night. it'll be full of very ordinary french people, but it's better than nothing. unlike students, I don't just have friends ready and waiting to be friends. I am trying my best withing the best of my very poor ability to meet people, and with time...
I'm rabling. shut up emily.
I'm looking at volunteering opportnities here too. I'm not really doing anyone much good at the moment, so.. yeah. and maybe I can find another job, because although crepes are yummy and the money's OK, it's a lonely existance. and everyone (including him) thinks I fancy the(temporary) manager, Julien, which is keeping me amused but can make things a little awkward. But he's very friendly and has a reasonable taste in music - despite apparently liking robbie williams - and is nice to homeless people. heh.
anyway, I must be getting on, I'm looking up things to fill my ..two months left: TEFL course (?) driving lessons, volunteering, other jobs.. oh he fun never ends in edinburgh. especially as I'll be bound to get a job that is in some way completely conincidentally linked to some other aspect of my life. I already suspect that Alex, my temporary flatmate's boyfriend is a flatmate of one of my dodgy customers from monday. and he'll most likely be at the party on saturday. hooray.

..so there you go

emily shuts her big fat mouth and vows to be less selfish in future.
all my love
xx

internet expensive
no time
want to say lots
no time
aargh!!
love you all lots like... very lovable things
hope all is gwd in wales, manceinion, down deep south england, london, cardiff, erm.. andeverywhere ever.
I'm going to poland in februaury!!! woooop!

emily gets all emotional and sentimental

dear god (exclaims the athiest/agnostic) my friends are some of the most beautiful, talented, kind, inteligent and fabulous people I've ever met or could ever imagine. I am quite overwhelmed by the qualities of such a small group of people from such a small area, coming together 'by chance' as it were.
My view, it could be said, is 'tinted', tainted, biased, bent.Here I am speaking of my friends, if I did not find them wonderful, what sort of a person would I be? But I truly believe that this is not just the warped view of a caring mind, of our little llandovery clan, stretching far and wide, and I include and exclude no specifics as that would be unfair, and by not being 'one of our crowd' does not mean you are not my friend, beautiful, talented, lovely etc. I realise I am on thin ice here, that it can matter what I say, that I could offend, and for any inconvenience caused or offence committed/created I appologise, it is unintentional, but I only wish to sing the praise of those whom I love. The particular reaiseation came to me yesterday as we were sitting at the table at beth's farewell meal. Jenna Bishop said 'Beth, none of your friends smoke', and it is true. I am, here, referring to cigarettes and inoring any other forms of substance inhilation/consumption, and I am allowin for some occasional incongruities, mainly dending on how wide you choos to stretch the 'circle' of friends, but those closest to me do not smoke, those who were present last night - my particular favourites, might I add, with the exception of Ralph, Amy, (and here I fear I may forget others by absolute mistake) and Danny and Joe perhaps,were present from the llandovery lot at least, from the pantycelyn group, the carmarthenshire clan - were non smokers. 'an intelligent lot' I thought. I remember the list of results I recorded on the 19th of august. showing them to charl and agreeing with her comment on how clever our friends are - there was not even a D amongst the letters - and looking at those who I've seen recently, and at the photos that charl and I pored though last night, you, or perhaps I may say we, are a gorgeous bunch, with no exceptions. having lived in a city for six weeks, having seen the dirty filthy people who live there (tee hee, only joking) it makes me realise how beautiful and attractive my friends are. Here, I believe, I can exclude no one I would count as my friend from wales (and others I would not count as friends), those of my age at least, though by doing so it feels s if I bring down the barrier and credibility of th statement, but no. you're all gorgeous, quite equally in your attractiveness, ability-wise, looks-wise, intelligence, funnyness, niceness or personality-wise. the positive adjectives seem poor and inadequate and I feel I am beig over zealous and incredible, that my enthusiasm is somehow degrading what I say. dammit, why can I not put into words that which I wish to. I suppose really what I want to say is I love you all so dearly and it rips my heart out to be leaving, that this time has gone. again this sounds dramatic, the sentimental rant of a romantic. maybe it is.
I have also realised that these last months since february have been so fabulous, the number of parties, the chances to see certain people every day, every week, have been so great, so lucky so almost perfect(in retrospect, that is; their perfection lies in imperfection, that there were times when all was not right is only natural)
this is long emotional and poorly typed. it says things which must be said in a soppy and not quite meaningful enough way. I shall miss you terribly, we shall not lose contact but things will not be the same. it is for the best as is everything that happens when nothing else can be done, but still, it is sad this must end.
i'll miss ya, luv ya lots etc. i hope i'll have time to sa a propper goodbye to everyone before I/you leave. *you used in plural sense. damn the english pronouns!*

well it's me again (everyone recoils in shock)
yep I'm back posting on my own page, aren't you all stunned. and after about 2 days. cor.
anyway. here it goes,
you'd better all be around in wales and good style llandovery areas some time next week. if all goes to plan, I will be taking a train to aberystwyth on monday the 12th september, arriving at around 1pm. I will stay there for a while then make my own little way over to cynghordy land on tuesday in time for charlotte and beth and whoever else's proposed 'dinner' on that night. on wednesday I will proceed to ysgol pantycelyn whereto pickup my 'prise' for being a good and clever girl (which I'm getting despite my B in french -TAKE THAT lowri!!! (tee hee)) then...we shall have to see. I shall return to the burgh of mr edin on thursday or friday. this trip will take from my pocket £66 and I shall be very poor in finance but rich in spirit if you will all be around.
this much depends on several factors -
1) if the flat which we DID secure yesterday, mainly because we rule and are fantastic, can be sorted and signed over tonight or tomorrow and I am not accused of being an illegal alien or immigrant or something of the sort.
2)Jeff doesn't refuse to let me work for him if I take the week off and I am left penniless and destitute with no money (and with all my english language qualifications I still cannot remember the word for repeating the same thing in different words)
3)I am not finally killed by a bus/taxi/drunk driver whilst crossing princess street (they don't give a damn about drinking and driving here. I don't know if it's just the french, but they drive like loons in edinburgh anyway, then go out after quite a lot of alcohol too. and I'm going to have to learn to drive here! urgh)
4)other unforseen circumstances.

anyway, I should really be doing useful things, but I've just got 50mins free internet AND paid for an hour of my own (AND got a cappucino for only £1.60!! score!!) so I'm sort of waisting time
see you all SOOOON. and I mean it this time

sorted

Well, excluding the next twelve months, I've got my life sorted now! I'm going to edinburgh uni in september 2006 to study english literature and language and another subject of my choice, and I'm so chuffed! it was the open day today, and I fell in love with the place all over again. Glasgow open day yesterday was full of well..glaswegians. I'm sure they're nice enough but they seemed a little exclusive. edinburgh was full of lots of different people, and I even met some welsh people that I didn't already know! I thought I'd go and ask the admissions if they'd take me this year because it would make life so much easier, but they said they were completely full, so I played my domestic problems card and they were really nice and gave me a letter telling me I have a confirmed place in ed uni in 2006, so I went away pleased. I'm forfiting my theatre studies dream, but there's plenty of theatre stuff going on here so I'm sure I'll survive. I spent the day clutching my letter and inwardly sniggering at the other prospective students, some of whom would give so much to have such a letter! and apparently ed uni is rather hard to get into, so I'm well chuffed too! I just can't wait till next year. But I'll have to. in the meantime I'm going to look at a flat with one of my temporary flatmates Aline tonight soon. that's it.
--still rather bland in style I know, but as I don't talk to people much I'm tending just to use this as an outlet for my daily stuff to say. so... yeah..__

feel free not to read on

hah, I'm well aware of the high degree of desperation and stereotypical 'finding yourself' stress insinuated in that last post. it is funny. I laugh.
right now I'm feeling far more positive about the whole thing. I went to the glasgow uni open day earlier today (cost me £15 travelling! grrr.) and due to general lack of sleep and no food whatsoever fell into a zombielaike state and learned very little, disliked the city and left early. after a sandwich and coffee on the train (SO sophisticated, dahrlings) I arrived at edinburgh waverly station SO SO SO happy to be back. it's such a fantastic city and the people are so nice. except I believe there must be a lack of females because I just have to walk down the streets and get looked at ALL the time, it's bloody annoying. in glasgow the looks were conspicuously lacking and it was great, until the train home when a guy on the opposite isle kept snatching glances accross at me the whole journey - he got off in edinburgh so that explains it. it's interesting that the others that I've worked with at the stall on a friday/saturday night get really pissed off at the drunks who are rude to them. I don't mind and find them funny (after 8 school years with Aled Sammy, it's not so bad really) but it's the guys who say "ooh sexy" and stuff that really piss me off, while the others don't mind. maybe 'cause they're older, I'm not sure. it just seems that in this city just by being 18 and female you are consenting to being stared at, oggled (or oogled if you prefer) and even stopped in the street by any male who cares to. 'king weird if you ask me.
maybe it'll be ok when the students get here, there'll be more young things to look at - and attractive ones too - and life will be easier.
having said so much about being in edinburgh, I might as well have been in france for the last week (excluding today) for the number of scottish people I've talked to. Last night was the end of the international festival and there was a massive fireworks display to celebrate. I went with my boss Jeff and slightly poeth Brann to a park somewhere miles away from the castle where the display was and watched dasedly, having worked solidly from 12-8.30. after that was jeff's party and of the 15+people there there was one hungarian, four polish one australian and appart from me all the others were french - I was the only british person there! really odd. I'm rather missing conversatin in general - the longest I've had was with my two drunk french temporary flatmates last night. amusing though it was, the company of.. well anyone at all would be nice sometime, and to talk to someone who's english first language for more than "can I have a ticket to glasgow please" or "so what's the theatre course all about" would be a considerable luxury. not that the french, hungarian and polish population of edinburgh are not nice, but I am living in scotland and the lack of scottish people I've talked to is frankly damned strange. and I don't think I've met a welsh person that I don't already know.
I should be flat searching and not pouring out coffee fuelled rambles, rather dull and hopefully unread. a wednesday homecoming still looks doubtful, much to my sorrow. I miss you all like things that are very dear to me.
and the lack of CD shops here is shocking.. but that will have to pass for now.
anyway.. that'll do. I'm not exactly myself at this seccond in time. my mood is changing with the passing minutes and with is my descisions for the future. university choices are as follows: edinburgh, fantastic city with scottish course structure but no theatre studies. Glasgow, theatre studies and scottish course structure but horrid city. anywhere else: not scotland and not scottish course structure. at the moment I'm even considering bangor, but I think it's a mistake. I so want to start to study now. it would make things so much easier.
hahaha this is such a stupid post, though admittedly better than the last
thanks so much for the supporting comments I appreciate them more than I can say, and I miss you all ten times more than that again.
och aye

bugger

is this going to be a mistake? I'm feeling a little... detached from the world down there in wales, I'm sure if I came back I'd find it heart wrenchingly difficult to leave there again. this here city life is so weird and busy it's quite easy to forget what's all the lovelinessness down in dear cymru. I heard some people with welsh accents the other day.. ooh how fantastique.
it looks most lightly I won't be coming home on the 7th though. I think that I'm going to be needed at work more than ever as eszer's going and lolo (a permanent worker) is on three weeks' holiday. being able to stay might give me the chance to get that week's wages that have gone missing, back. I don't know. I think it's the fear that going home would be too much and I really wouldn't want to come back up here again. if I get a flat and a job, then get a week or so's holiday to 'home' it'll be more reason to bring me back here. god knows why I'm doing it. I have no friends here, no certain job, nowhere to live.. but it just feels right somehow.
but how I miss you all! I will come home and visit as soon as is possibly possible. provided I can get somewhere to stay in wales..
anyway.. once I do have my own flatshared room, I will have my very own room with my very own floor for my very own friends to sleep on if they ever wish to come up and visit. it's only about £20 train if you book long enough in advance.
anyway I must be off and look for work and flats.
erm.. yeah. see you all sometime. if I'm not back on the 7th, then I'll be at the reunion at mikey C's in spirit on the 10th. anyway, it's not a proper reunion without someone having disappeared, right?

er, yes, right, maybe a little more sorted now.perhaps. possibly.
the news is: I'm moving to edinburgh. for the autumn. alone. argh. I'm looking for jobs and flats and might be going back to wales for a week or so on the 7th, but then again I might not, depending on how life goes. I really desperately want to see you all, and to be back in the wonder-full country, but as lots of people are going on holiday from the crepe stall I may have to stay for a while if I want to keep my job there (hopefully will do, though not actually asked yet..)
and living wise, I'll have to flat share so that could be amusing. and scary. I'm not too sure about making friends as..
ohh dad just rang with info about flat sharing with someone nice's friend. could be grooovy.
hmm I'm still too tired to make much sense. I think I'll leave it at that
anyone who is anyone should be at kath and janie's party now, I hope it's a great as they are ;)
bye 4 now