just a note to remember Simon Barnes. He was great and should be remembered.
That's pretty much it. only.. life is finite, take that into account, right?
on that note, love you all.
xxx

yep, me again
well.. I'm on what's looking to be an all night essay writing seshion! hooray! i finally feel like a student that studies. though I have been here 2 hours and written 300 words.. and the thing is 1500 words so if I keep this up I have another 8 hours to go.. ho ho. we'll see.
It's kind of odd really, it's horribly hot and stuffy in this little computer room and my head is half switched off because - yes, of course - I have Tonsillitis!! double hooray! plus I've done nothing prodictive today and I'm feeling very unoriginal and uncool and josh has run out of credit so there's no chance of me hearing from him till tomorrow BUT I'm actually feeling kind of happy and peaceful, which is nice. and for once I feel like I could just stay here all night and do the essay if I have to, which is OK - If I consider that I could be out in the cold following people around pubs it makes me feel much better still. yes I'm a crap socialiser, but I'm happy right now, so so what? and I'm going to be a bit more social next weekend.. though if I still have tonsillitis it will be a right bugger :( still! it's going to be good to go back. as long as I don't get too attached. I'm worried about coming back again after.. how will I survive knowing it'll be nearly two months till i get to return? oh dear..
I will survive
(cake rules!)
erm.. yeah. I'm pretty weak and self centred at the moment. meh.
*relaxes*
right, back to the essay...

I have tonnes of work to do - like literally more than I can actually do right now.. all I want to do is sleep
BUT i wanted to not leave this on the tone it was from wednesday... i'm really not that silly, honest, only I like writing stuff and getting it out when I'm down. NOT meant to be read as such
urgh, I say that all the time.
BUT.. I'm going to see nicholas nickleby! :D it's very, very bad of me, but it includes
theatre
mpyt
wales
friends
josh
which are some of my very top favourite things..and it's only £30 return and.. oh i'm justified, right? even if i fail the year? ho ho ho. i can't wait. only I want it to /always/ be in the future so it doesn't actually be over
oh well. it's good enough it's happening. I will be happy when I go to hell, I'm sure :)
life
is
beautiful

Home..

..is where the people you love are. and god, do I feel a long way from home right now.
though I'm probably one of the luckiest people ever, having so many places to go.. and here I am not in one of them.
Uni isn't the place for me, is it? or maybe falling in love with someone who is 600 miles away is the problem, who knows.
anyway, the way I see it is I might die tomorrow, so why not take the weekend off and go and see some rather interesting show done by a rather interesting band of players from the mid-powys area instead of trapseing off to london? we hear the show looks pretty good - it's a musical version of nicholas nickleby - and.. well.. there's a rather attractive actor playing one of the villains.

I am going to hell, I am hollol sbwriel.. but, what's the point in life, otherwise? me just going to one conference in london won't change everything, will it? and even though it will mean I'm missing out on some *more* bonding with uni-friends.. I just can't bear the thought of missing the show right now. climate change is pretty damn important, and I really believe that, but I can't tell my brain that being with people I love is any less pressing.
maybe things'll change, who knows. i've been stronger about stuff that's much harder than this, people are stronger about amazingly difficult things every day, but I seem to have lost my willpower and when it comes to.. well.. everything.
why did i have to wait till I was 20 to fall in love? and why does being so far from wales feel like the hardest thing in the world, when really I'm so fucking lucky I should be jumping for joy. I suppose being pissed off with myself isn't going to help anything, but I'm trying to work out why my morals aren't stronger than my personal desires? well.. I suppose it's obvious really, but I just don't think I can prioratise my morals. other people do. why can't I? I don't actually want to of course, but I ought, I really, really ought.
um.. yeah. maybe uni isn't the place for me, do you think?
life is such a strange ..thing. I don't know how people cope.

I'm meant to be working, but I've done a bit today and my mind is wandering.
I know I've been writing a lot of these recently, but they're not exactly intended to be read and..
whatever.
anyway, I just wanted to record..
when you know you're going to see someone soon, and whenever you remember that your stomach turns and your heart shivers.
no matter what there is in between the time of meeting and now, how much there is to do, what annoyances must be taken care of, here it is, right now, there's that future coming and that time approaching through and above it all.
the moment of meeting.. when you see someone again for the first time in ages, it's never as perfect as imagined, but the split second of recognition, the sudden realisation that here you both are, in one place, at one time, and if it's a surprise, or sometimes if it's not, your head swims for a seccond and the amazing possibility of some things are realised.
how can it be? how is it possible that some things can happen? I'm not surprised, any more, that people write music, books, plays, poetry (*spits*), trying to work out in their minds how their minds work doesn't make sense, you need to get it out..
and i'm frightening myself right now, afraid I've gone too far. maybe I have but maybe it's worth it. myabe it's not, who knows? i can't change it now, all I know is a few months ago I thought I'd lost innocence, and now, here I am feeling naive and young and lost again and it's AMAZING.
Oh so much better not to know everything, so much more refreshing to believe things and not *know* something will or won't work, to learn by doing and not know if the future will last forever or only a few weeks.
I am so thrilled by my innocence, my naive ability to believe in a possible forever, even though my head says it is not true and I know it is not possible, for the first time I find myself wishing it could be instead of cynically putting the idea down.

nope, no sense to this. that's what three hours of research on international law and copying down the UN charter will do to you I suppose.

I have NO phone!

stupidfuckingidioticallywantingtochangemystupidfuckinghandset
stupid damn damn credit chescks stupid fucking idiot
as of today (monday 16th) i have no bloody damn phone and I'm lost

:(

oh god

I can feel the pressure of the big wide world out there..
it feels like it's such a mess and everything is mounting.

we have a discussion section on our politics website where people can argue about topics, there are students who support israel, they support the US, their foreign policies and assertive stance. they say we need nuclear weapons as a deterrant and 10,000 in the US - enough to blow up the world 8 times over, is excessive but not terrible.
I am SO frightened for our future. I don't care about if the human race survives, I don't care whether the earth has had many super races that have evolved and become extinct over billions of years. none of that really matters to me, I only want to live my life feeling secure, see my friends grow older and prosper, enjoy the earth and the greenery and be free to love my whole life.
I'm so frightened that even next week won't come. what can we do?

hooray!

ralph wrote a blog!
go and read it --->





also, life is beautiful.
I beg any gods or supreme beings that may just be happening to read this, not to let nuclear war break out. please.

my one true love...

someone has found my PDA!

my life is, once again, complete :D

oh and fucking hell, I've got some darn great friends

ie dyyyn, hollol!

xx

have you noticed the way the sky's blue?
isn't is amazing and beautiful.

by the way

my phone's not working and my computer's broken :(

damn.

I nearly dropped out of uni today!

I'm just putting here as my personal and written pledge, which I've also said to Suzie, that I will "stick it out" till at least christmas.

I can do it! (maybe) even if it means failing the year, I'll still be here till christmas.

and to remind myself that I'm not and can't be perfect and that's actually OK so as long as people stop expecting stuff of me and just let me be normal and unextraordinary I'll be OK and happy

right now I'm happy! hooray!

smiles

Have I gone too far?

hmm.. I've done NO work, still, I'm terrified I'm going to fail (and the derisive "pffts" and "yeah.. whatever"s from friends on this account really DO NOT help) I really should say that I've already considered dropping out a few times. Not all that seriously but.. I'm not sure I can cope. Especially since we're all going to die in a nuclear (please note: nuclear, not nucular. where did that come from and why is the damn word in the media?) war if North Korea and the US have anything to do with it. What's the point in me sitting here spending hours reading about democracy (specially when I'm meant to be reading about "the state", darn it) when in a few weeks, days, years we'll all be dead? shouldn't I just go and spend the year in faslane? or throw myself under the submarine or something? (I'm not going to though, honest) wouldn't that make it all more worthwhile?
and yes, OK, i'm not all that positive at the moment, and yes, I probably need some human contact, but yet, only minutes ago I was almost crying with happiness
isn't life a strange thing.

------------------------------------
I could be holding you all morning

And still holding you at noon

I could hope the day is coming

And I can hope it's coming soon

I can fantasize a fiction

And keep on dreaming it all night

'Cause the truth is I never tire

Of being squeezed with all your might

Every minute of the day



Outside the sky is falling

It can keep falling as it may

But whether the sun is shining

Or the clouds are wet and gray

If there's a blanket on the bed

And there's a flower in your hair

Truth is I won't complain

If we just stay right there

Every minute of the day



There's lots of work to do in Texas

And that's true all around

But sometimes we just must realize

To this bedpost we are bound

There are things that need to be discovered

They must be heard and felt and seen

Some will look to Asgard

But I'll look in between

Every minute of the day
-----------------------------------

amongst other people, David Rovics is amazing
*sobs*