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not sure I totally approve of this new layout but i'm going to stick with it in a determined kind of a way. I can't decide whether to add the choice of comments though. I think I quite like the closed-offness of no comments, but then the wider range of communication possibilities that are opened up by allowing comments is pretty damn attractive. gosh life is so hard sometimes (especially as there's no way of clearly indicating sarcasm in writing).
I'm in a good mood and it's such a lovely feeling. perhaps it's having a family for a while. not that charl and the turtles (sounds like a cheep copy of alvin and the chipmonks) aren't totally wonderful, 'cause they are, and generally I like and respect my friends more than most of my family, but still... it's nice to be a little familied occasionally.
back to the plot:
Is a soul mate someone with whom you are absolutely unafraid to be yourself? someone who, whatever you say, you know they will not think worse of you? or is that a good friend? or just a certain type of friend? or just a lucky find?
why is it that we are always trying to change people?
maybe it's because we want to like them more. we want to help them be someone who, in our eyes is more likeable. we may want them to have more fun, or think that because we can see them from the outside we can see their faults more clearly, or at least ones that they can't see. maybe it's because we think we know the right way to live and they don't [if this is so, why don't we just let people work out their own right way, not try to impose ours on them and make them feel stupid??] or because we are concerned that they are getting stuck in a rut and cannot see the way out. some of these are more selfish than others. some are more self-aware. but why is it that we cannot just leave people to work things out for themselves? it's odd that we want to have such input into others' lives, sometimes when it is our lives that need looking at objectively and changing [ooh - deep eh?]. is it something natural - do we want to do it to help our race survive? or through altruism (basically; selflessness) ? or through a genuine wish to impart some of out own gained knowledge and stop others from having to work things out the hard way?
just a few things for you to think about.
also, how many people do you know that you're perfectly comfortable with? people who you're not afraid that they'll find something out about you that might change their view of you completely. I'm not actually suggesting that this is a rare thing, but i'm trying to be thought provoking. and to tell the truth, I don't think that there are a great many people with whom I feel totally safe and comfortable with myself.
but then I'm a crazy, mixd up gal - just like everyone else.
seeing as I have asked so many questions here maybe I will try to allow comments, just for a while at least, and will watch relievedly as no one replies.

yes it's new new new around here - the closest I can get to wacky on a wet easter wednesday afternoon in my holiday dipped-state (dip as in a small depression, but nothing serious - just due to general lack of self motivation and constructive activities)
anyway hope y'all are having a lovely time in the rainshine and that those cool enough to get the 'jessie's party bug' are coping pretty well.
enjoy!

just when you're losing faith in mankind someone like Robyn turns up...
he has a coolness and brilliance that only men can have - in a similar way to their hugs. this can make up for any 'male-style' silliness, but most just don't practice it.
I realised, though, that pretty much all of those who were at jessie's do, so good for them, and thanks for help in the slow process of regaining my faith in men.

haha jjust quickly saying: I'm on the train! I'm just pulling in to carlisle station on the way to edinburgh! how cool is this? I can see all the carlisle-style excitement outside.uck
wow.
if more of you were online I could show off properly but everyone seems to be having a life again. damn you!
scottish flavour love with lashings of steamy train hot chocolate to everyone!
hooray for pointless technology!

oh yeah I forgot to mention the weather - it was highly commendable today (sorry, yesterday) and has been greatly healthy for all. I must highly commend whoever is responsible.

in but a few minutes I will have devoured an entire packet of dried mango.
dammit why are they so good? and how can something so hard to chew be so easy to eat?
I should be all fruited out today, I have been having a greatly fruity day of fruity goodness involving:
melon
kiwi fruit
paw paw
fresh real (fair trade) pineapple
plums
oranges
little oranges
apples
pairs
banana
rasberry yoghurt
dried fruit including prunes (hehe) and apricots
and now mangoes
that should do me for the rest of the week's 5 portions of fruit and veg I'd say (well if you're any good at maths you'd be able to spot it anyway)
well I'm glad I got that off my chest. (a very fruity - sticky chest after having all that fruit on it, anyone interested in finding out more, please contact the usual address)
ANYway enough of all that
in fact it should be enough of all this. I STILL have done NO work at all this weekend despite vows to get everything done that ever needed doing over these two days..
this hasn't been helped by my vow to start reading and writing again- and to aoid going through any comic or farcical comments about this I mean reading and writing in a literary sense - reading books and writing ...stuff. further rekindled by experiencing rubbish poets saying things in a bar a few hours ago. and I've just been reading a sort of diary-style book that says things like "am planning on taking little charlene to dancing" and "large hunky plumber carries me upstairs..." so I feel like I'm emulating that style now..
mmm big hunky plumbers...
oh that reminds me - also present at this music thing (as well as studens singing alone with their guitars who all had year ten haircuts - HAH) was a person whom I could even chosen as a 'point' for a few minutes, but this person had two rather major failings...
1.) he was male [still the male of the species goes down in my estimation, not up. I'm sorry guys but if you do wish to redeem yourselves in my eyes you're going to have to do something about a number of males who are acting like absolute cretins in my general vicinity -though they are none of my friends or those listed in previous post - to whom I choose to add Mr Evans as he is a rather cool guy and deserves official exemtion from my condemnation of men)
2.) his name was Matt
deary me. I think that mothers about 20 years ago all had some kind of mass brain-trouble, or joint-psychic feeling or general stupidity, which resulted in them all calling their sons Matthew, and then all of these sons chose to shorten their names to Matt.
I suppose the next step is there will be girls called Matt ... then the whole world will be called Matt -except those called Will.
*sigh* the world is full of unoriginality.
I now propose to start a campaign - if you know anyone called Matt, rename them, each Matt MUST have a different name. here are some suggestions:
Bob
Geoff
Jeff
thingumy
simon
Jimbo
you know...him
freddo
bonzo
st ferdinand the 3d
oi you

so get out there and get renaming your Matts!

In brief:
1. - Janie, of course I love you best of all, I was just distraught after the ...events on friday involving poppy. it won't happen again I promise, you, of course, are my only true love (though the other false ones can be pretty fun too)
2. - the number of objections to my lesbia nism has risen to 2 and a bit: Ralph, Inti (who says he thinks I 'can't be') and charl. though charl does concede that I have every right to feel this way. BUT I do have a concession to make myself, however generally mindlessly silly the male of the species is, they can hug better than most girls. damn them - I didn't want to find any redeeming features
3. - this keyboard is small and annoying and I keep typing things wrong
4. - this site was blocked in school! *gasp* I know it's naughty, I suppose it's all my talk of lesbi ans, but then I looked up 'l esbian' in google and it allowed me (of course just to see if it was blocked - what else would I do it for?).
5. - my wrist hurts - damn Josh!
6. - remember: look big and cool.

well, hasn't life been fun, boys and girls? what with my new-found les bianism [spaces added to see if this will unblock my site in school] (brought about by a general loss of faith in mankind in general (excluding a small few of those whom I have more respct for - including (at the last count) Josh (sorry, Joshuaro), Danny, Joe, Ralph, Ben, at a push a few other guys from mpyt and occasionally Davy, Ezra etc. erm... I'm sure there are some others too) but set off by a suprisingly disturbing experience involving a dodgy old man in Llandrindod) and other general excitement involving rather shocking exam results to tell the truth, the distinct lack of charlo[not a good point though] despite her room being but inches from mine, non uniform day (my favourite), more and voulenteers to demonstrate why lesbi anism is a good idea - or at least why men are almost totally useless in almost every way (no offence though guys) [--just because you wash a sink every week doesn't mean that the grubby greasy grey marks CAN'T be dirt. *sigh*].
hehe I love being offensive. I have no one specific to get annoyed with at the mo. - having no direct family around, with whom you are permitted to be grumpy, so just direct my annoyance at the Y chromosome in general and those bearing one in particular.
[please note: I am not really one of those hardened femisist-types who hates men and wants to castrate the entire male poulation - however fun that sounds - but I do enjoy pretending]
Anyway where was i? Note here how the topic shifts and there may even be gramatically incomplete or incorrect sentences,that show that the writer has shifting thought patterns and overall drowsiness. [this information was provided by a qualified individual whose exam marks were of course aided by the fact she didn't wear a bright red coat to school]
I was leading up to something here. what was it?
never mind. I have what's promising to be a mindbogglingly weird and, I even dare to say 'freaky' weekend ahead. but never mind that I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time at the moment (meaning at this time in my life rather than this instant) and it's all thanks to those wonderful people whom I see every day (or every week in some cases) that I like to call friends. once more many many thanks [special (lesbi an-flavoured) sparkly thanks to you my dears]. despite my happiness I do seem to be the only one with little enough life to still regularly write my blog. deary me.
hmm. and the l esbian thing - really? well so many people seem to think it's a good idea I don't see how I can NOT continue with it now. in fact I found the number of people who said 'les biani sm - that's a good idea!' slightly worrying. is it something about me? or is lesbi an ism a more popular thing than I thought? anyway Ralph seems to be the only person to actively oppose it, for his own mysterious reasons, and I think I'll continue to gage people's reactions - I await josh and others' oppinions. hmmm Trev just said I can't be a lesb ian 'cause I am his wife - I really don't remeber that marriage. maybe he thinks I'm someone else. this could be fun...

Hello, this is Emily’s alter-ego (or subconscious or something like that) who feels like writing about her in the third person. She should (hah) really be doing french course work (or maths or English or any number of other things) but she isn’t right now, she’s sitting in the common room while this is being written.
She is looking forward to the MPYT performance tomorrow (well… it’s not going to be great but once it’s over then there’ll be fun and games again.) and feeling quite nice and warm inside still from a nice gentle weekend, the highlight of which was Saturday night, going to see some good ‘ol fashioned live theatre with Ellen, Charl and Joshuar-o (or ‘shaggy dog’) and then not getting enough sleep at Ellen’s.
She is also getting used to the idea that now, after five weeks of nothing, hope is pretty much given up for some people and will be even less inclined to believe people when they tell her they love her than she was before… not that she’s really bothered or anything, it’s just sometimes a little disappointing to be proved right (though it probably serves her right I say).
Glad that made sense.
She also wants to mention that she was going to write a blog about memories, and say how much she wants a house of her own (though she’d still be happy to live with the Turtles, just have a house for the slight amount of independence and give her some small feeling of control over her life) but this cannot be done at the present time, so might need to wait till the weekend or something. In the meantime, though, she says that if anyone wants to give her a Sunday-afternoon job, she would be very happy to take it. It’s not as if there are many people without jobs in this country already, she says.
Also, she wants to extend gratitude for her kind mention in ralph’s blog and comment that his call for an expression of thanks more than just saying ‘thanks’ was exactly what she meant in her last blog. Similar problems occur with the words ‘sorry’ and ‘love’, which gets greatly over used – unless you happen to have deep and meaningful feelings for chips or your favourite pair (or whatever passes for it) of socks.
Anyway she must really get some work done, so I must relinquish control of the keyboard. She apologises if this seems sombre, she is not in a sombre mood but perhaps my reporting does not have such a jolly mood about it, and anyway she is rather out of her mind with fatigue – not always the jolliest of feelings) BUT still wants those she cares about (that includes pretty much everyone who reads this, she thinks – and very definitely all those whose thoughts can be viewed in the links section -à) to know how fab they are and how much better and easier life is because they exist!
Xxxx
P.S. she also wants to say ‘aura’ because she needed to spell check it in English and the other word document she has open is in French. And she wants to say, listen to dave rovics (http://www.davidrovics.com/) because he rules, and knows that George bush is a Moron. She believes she must write another anti-multinational company blog soon. Perhaps nestle next. This weekend, while waiting to go to the theatre she and charl and ellen and josh and Harry were sitting in a chineese takeaway having conversations about who to boycott and while many of the others weren’t too bothered about boycotting things, it was refreshing to have people know about it, so she has decided to enlighten more people, then let them decide for themselves.

ohh... I've just been talking to the most groovyest of ralphs and he wasn't happy. I don't like this fact - but he was also moaning that people kept telling him to be happy. why do we do this I wonder? is it out of guilt or just not wanting other people to feel bad? and anyway I'm sure it's healthy to feel bad occasionally. we can't be jolly all the time. in fact charl said once that people don't like you as much if you always seem to be happy. you need to get it out then you can get back to feeling just jolly. but then again, we don't like to see others suffer.
hmm.
anyway I'd love to go into more detail but bryony wants to be online and i'm feeling bad 'cause i have been on for a while.
damn dependance. WHY can't i have something to offer people? I want to be able to help too! I want some control over my life and some way of being grateful more than just saying 'thanks' I feel soo helpless. but in the meanwhile - great thanks to everyone! I really mean this deeply. it's all I have to offer at the moment but if I could I'd offer more. keep smiling (when you want to of course - and even when not it's healthy for you. the odd giggle, even forced, can make big changes so have a giggle. think of... oh i don't know small animals wearing string vests while eating mini chocolate eclaires or whatever else makes you laugh.
so much love, so few ways of showing it (and damn shyness tends to get in the way too - grr)
xxx