can I also just quickly say that the last two previous posts (november 12/13) were written in a rather silly state of depression, so please just ignore them as much as possible.
have a nice day ;o)

well then, hello there to all you people out there in computer land.
and a special hello to anyone from mpyt who has been searching for 'watership down' and 'mpyt', or whichever combination, and has come upon this little site, if there is anyone still doing that. I have had two people mention it to me already.
It's quite scary actually, like being watched. I always imagined that no one really reads this, then suddenly unexpected people turn up. it's nice though. especially since they're such lovely unexpected people!
by the way, charlotte's blog is www.orangoutangsberet.blogspot.com - it's generally more user friendly, and, in my oppinion, more interesting.
I also feel quite conceited assuming people will read this, but then if they don't no one will know that I'm saying this, will they?, except for my faithful regulars that exist mainly in my own mind...
tee hee, it's that lovely and totally non-understandable state of mind again brought about by being too tired, and being deprived of anyone under the age of 24 to talk to, and so just not bothering to write in any sort of comprehensible way.
god I miss people. soo much. just people in general and some people in particular. I wish I could stop missing people and thinking about people and actually get down to some work for a change, but it's just so much nicer being with people.
I should be talking about serious topics, because they're always more interesting to read.
erm..
well...
oh I heard from that most wonderful of higher education establishments, Sussex university! hooray! so now I have a 300mile train journey to look forward to sometime in the future. just what I always wanted.
but I also have an unplanned gap year!! it's so exciting to have a whole year to do anything. because so far in life, speaking as a last-year-of-school-type-person, there has been nothing but education to look forward to. that is, formal education. every year you know that while next year will be different, it will also be much the same, and so on, the future will be school, then, if you're so inclined, university, and now the prospect of an entire year sans english, maths, teachers, school rules etc [english and maths meaning generally compulsory lessons, though maybe I'll get through a year without english alltogether. that would be an amusing and pointless but frankly annoying challenge] seems quite crazy and almost unimagineable.
I have a lot to say on this subject, such as how if you have academic potential, it's the annoying truth that it's really hard not to try and fulfil it. what if I really did run away from school and become an actor or even a writer or something. I think that in many ways it could be the best descision of my life, but it's really unimagineable. I must finish my a levels because I can. I must go to university because I can. I want to too - don't get me wrong - but it's a sort of obligation type feeling more than a real desire, while there are those for whom the system doesn't work who would love to be in my situation - being able to get a place in almost any university of my choice.
I hate saying that it sounds really big headed, but going back to the point about 'the system': academic potential I called it earlier, it is not being clever or having brains, it is learning a method of working "what they want" whoever 'they' is. the examiners, the teachers, the interviewers, the people who will read you ucas form or job aplication...
it is mostly guess work. that is my secret anyway, gather a few facts, guess a little and usually you will get out on top, as long as you know which way to guess - what they want you to say.
and it does get boring.
and if you then find yourself in a position where you don't know what they want, or when what they want is different from what you're used to, then you're stuck. it's totally useless to any real life situation in fact.
isn't school great.
erm... I think I was leading to a point but I forget what it is and my own writing is boring me terribly, so I find it unlikely that anyone has actually read this far... and if I carry on it's likely that the incomprehensibility of my words will slowly start to drip or sink to the bottom of the page and form into some sort of weird and sticky goo. I don't know why, that's just the image I seem to have of it in my head. I was going to continue the story of the goo, but I think this post has been long enough.
much love to anyone brave enough to venture this far into my blog, and hugs to any of those nice mpyt-y people who I love so much xx
tee hee, it's only half past ten

My stupidity and selfishness is a problem
but so is a lack of communication. I believe that with better communication things could have been different..
and so I will explain a little about my decision detailed in the last blog. I don’t say this justifies or excuses anything, I just hope that it might show I’m trying to be good.

I want to be with my friends more than my family.
This makes me feel guilty.
Because I feel guilty for not being with my family I draw the conclusion that to be with my family is the right thing to do.
I am blinded by this and forget to be sensible.

there is a message, though, in seeing people. there is a level of communication -invisible to those whose parents are still together – in the decision to visit someone. maybe it is only for people in my situation or maybe it is only in my mind, I can’t tell, but I’m not being totally irrational.
I am selfish and stupid, but I do think about things.
And I apologise. Generally and specifically

I am also in a cryptic mood. I think. [not entirely compliant with my resolution to communicate well]

There was more I had to say, but it escapes my mind, except that I’m desperately lonely. I want to continue on about mpyt but it’s actually painful to think of.

schizophrenia is also worrying

The right thing…
Charl, Danny and Beth have just left to go to London to see cake playing tonight.
I should have gone too, but I thought I ought to go to see dad, as I’ve missed many weekends already and I thought that it would be the Right Thing to do.
I keep being told that he wouldn’t mind, but I thought it would be good to do the right thing, to make someone else feel good and to be nice, but it seems that isn’t good enough. I’m craving friendly company and one of the things I’d like the most would be to spend the day today, tonight and tomorrow doing something different and interesting with friends, but I decided to do what I felt was right, and have been persuading myself that it wouldn’t be so bad, that I’d get things done and rest.
But now it appears I made the wrong decision. Again.
I just don’t know what I can do that’s right now. I feel crap because I haven’t gone, I’m missing out and people who said I should go are annoyed with me. But I just couldn’t bring myself to tell dad that I wasn’t coming.
Why can’t we please everyone? At this moment I wouldn’t mind if I wasn’t pleasing myself because it would be pretty much good enough if I could please everyone else.

Or just go to mpyt. *sigh*. I keep dreaming about all those lovely people. I’d give almost anything to be back at the beginning of tech week and have those two gorgeous, heavenly weeks ahead of me again.
Tuesday can’t come soon enough.

[please note, this is only depressive because I'm on the very bottom of one of my lows. hopefully I'll swing back up again and be jolly and laughing by the end of the day. *sigh* it must be nice to be able to sustain a good mood for more than a few hours...]

this must be brief as I must go and do more maths homework while my brain is still in a workable (relatively) happy state.
officially 6 days till Mpyt again, only three days down from sunday.
aaaarghghhgh
anyway, the real reason I came along here today was to say:
hooray and well done to beffykins for passing her driving test!!! yay!
may your car bring you many years of hapiness.

and chins up everyone, at least you're not being brutally murdered by american and british soldiers in falluja!
all my love to absent friends (particularly from powys), for whose company I would give much.
and hooray again for beth :-)
PS. I'm hoping to have my first driving lesson this weekend, only a year and 2 months late. I have decided I am greatly in need of the independance of driving, but till then, I have also decided I need a boyfriend who can drive. [then again one who can't would probably be pretty acceptable, I don't think I'm in any position to be fussy].