right.
another post within a week? no one can live at that speed
maybe I have an uncontrolable desire to air my views
maybe I feel the need to have deep discussions with myself about my life
Maybe I've been on the wakeup pills again...
yup that's right folks, it's guavara(?) all the way for me, and I'm loving it. Engergy, confidence, less of an urge to slap myself across the face (wet fish for preferance).
and I thought I'd let you all in about the secret workings of my mind and the ways that they relate to insecurity..
insecurity: everyone has it, and everyone is insecure in their own sweet way. maybe we think that cartain parts of our anatomy are too large/small/shaped like a small beetle from southern france. Maybe we don't like certain things about other people, or are obsessive about one particular thing. Maybe we have multiple personalities and find it hard to keep up with tem. Maybe we find it really really hard to talk to people- especially people we particularly like. Maybe perception is a problem and we find it really hard to understand what people really mean. Maybe we just believe that we're utter fools who really do deserve a slap in the face with a moist piscine creature... the types of insecurity are many and varied. I'm not implying (or inducing inferrence) that any of these relate to me, or anyone else in particular - or that they don't. I just felt like listing types of insecurity because it makes me feel clever.
The point I always intended to lead on to in some way was, well, love.
that damn thing again.
Well, actually I wasn't thinking of love as such, rather feeling safe with someone. I touched on this point when talking about soul mates before, I believe (if you don't remember then you just weren't paying attention and it will be the dampened swiming river-creature treatment for you if you don't sit up and start listening). The idea that one has at least one person with whom you feel you can be yourself and they will still like you, or even love you. families are rather good for this [though I must say, finding myself without one of my own hasn't noticeably left me feeling a lack of unconditional love. maybe I'm in denial and need to be woken up with a dripping water animal (these are getting a little desperate aren't they?). ]. But I only realised very recently that the time that I was most confident, and happiest with myself (though much less with the world around me) was when I had someone to call my own. OK, so he was a 15 year old suicidal smoker who I realise now din't give a damn about me, but we'll let those minor details go shall we? the point was, I knew that no matter what I did, I could phone him up and he'd
want to talk to me. well more or less. erm... if he wasn't busy with his friends or watching TV or playing computer games.
/Emily watches as her argument slips away into nothingness/
aah. so it wasn't him that made me happy. that's a relief.
I'm glad I had this little discussion as I was getting slightly worried.
but I do stand by the enternal truth that I made up just now that feeling safe and feeling that you have a safety net person is a great thing to give you the 'I don't care' confidence to get on with other people. but then what do I know? I can't even talk to my own friends properly. (yeah I do realise that I'm pretty uneloquent, I just don't know what to do about it)
self blather over I think [as opposed to self lather, when I rub myself with soap bubbles - more on that next time, I promise]. maybe now I've had my fill of rambling about myself - hopefully not too self-pitying sounding this time, I shan't be constantly thinking or talking about myself. as I always am. 'cause y'all know how much I love myself. and what an attention seeker I am. I'm relying on wakeup pills to erase the usual sillinesses in tone that occurs, dunno if it's working, but I'll just say: I do hope no one takes me too seriously. I do think that no one should take anything too seriously, it's seriously bad for the health. I am really only writing this so that my eddie izzard picture will be nocked off the screen and hopefully the links will come back up to their propper place on the side bar, and normal service will be resumed - along with the new improved link to kathy's goorgeous picture sites. three cheers and an immunity against slaps from soaked swimmingbeasts for her for all her effort and hard work that keeps our vanity refreshed our memories aided and our self images safely in the reality zone. :)
Post scripts: hooray to charl for blogging. and for having slight thoughts about vegitarianism. a thought is better than nothing, and not eating in mcd's is better than being a murderous and cruel torturer. not that I'm trying to influence anyone in any way.
conclusion: I am fairly happy with my blog. I think that I fulfilled my brief and met all of the stated required points, however the high levels of self pity seem a little excessive and I must try harder if I want to improve my final mark for my exams. I think that writing them good and long is a good idea, though, because it means less people can be bothered to read all the way to the end and find the utter rubbish that I write here. though I do enjoy doing it. and writing end pieces for blogs.
"we shall have to walk quietly, for opportunities are few and the sun is almost risen"
--Titus Andronicus (III,iv, 76)
think about it
