well fuck me.

I just got an email from a girl in lebanon who wants to help with our little blockade.

"just tell me what to do" she says.

a high, tense front vowel, followed by a bilabial voiceless stop!

(eeeep!)

I don't seem to be able to put a 100% positive slant on anything at the moment, as annoying as it is I'm accepting it and hoping it'll fade soon enough, since in general, things are great.
so, it leads me to the conclusion:
the world's end may still be imminent
I may be wasting far too much time on the internet instead of worthwhile activities
My phoning abilities, or non existance of same, may be pitiful at best and a major setback in organising
I may be utterly useless in many situations..

BUT

I'm great! woo!

I got 75% in my english exam! wow, even I was impressed. I mean, it's not the best mark ever, but it's a pass and more! unexpected: hollol.
um.. yeah. so, i'm great. and I can do stuff. like secconding a motion to support decommissioning of trident in the student's association general meeting on 7th feb. eep. so what if "Jamie" from stop the war doesn't think I'm up to it? hah, I'll show him my motion-secconding skills. ahah!

life is ...you know the rest

OK, I'm discounting the last ten minutes where I got kind of upset: I shouldn't go on the internet. really.

this has been a beautiful weekend. or saturday at least. spent the night in a bothy with four others, meaning communication wasn't too intimidating. it was cold but we had a real fire. I got up and almost immediately walked up a big hill with Jake, which would have killed me a few months ago, I like to think. we also went for a longer walk later with everyone. I got to talk to sarah, who's in fourth year, a but more and she's lovely, and it was lovely to talk to her, so that's lovely. I felt proud for a while. I left first, there's a new bunch there now and I'd probably have loved to still be there, but David Rovics was playing here tonight and I had things to do, none of which I've done, but I'm saying it was worth it to see David Rovics play again. I didn't get the courage to speak to him this time, but seeing as last time I babbled incredibly stupidly in an evident "I have a massive crush on you" sort of way.. maybe it was a good thing I didn't speak. I'll probably hate myself less in the short term anyway.
it was so nice to spend a couple of hours in the same room as this guy who is, to be honest, one of my greatest heroes. every time I've seen him he's made me cry. listening to his music may not change the world as such but it does make me feel like I want to, and it can make me feel.. just generally. just feel. it's great and he's great. good stuff. despite not actually having any friends to come with me, it made me feel good, and it was probably worth forefitting the bothy, or at least at equal levels.

though still.. left feeling sick by fucking damn pictures, presumably from wales, last night, on myspace. it means NOTHING so why does it upset me so much?

oh well.. david rovics can join me as I go to bed and make everything all better.

xx

i didn't go on the internet for 23.55 hours yesterday

and

I'm going away for the night to a bothy.

and

I fell over today. bleh.

but

love you all :) xx

! ! ! ! is all there is to be said

You're walking down the street, listening to your MP3 player and something REALLY cool comes on,you just want to dance.
Or you're at a club, which you've paid to get into and the drinks are expensive, and the music's just not that great, or you aren't in the mood, or you're too hot and need a rest, or you are uncomfortable in your dancing - everyone else there is dancing in a different way from you and you're tired of looking weird..

the answer: SILENT DISCO!!
it's amazing! you turn up with your MP3 Player, so do lots of other people, you all listen to your music and dance! it's amazing, both to watch and to participate in. OK, there are things wrong with it; socialising is in a different form, but it's a whole bringing down barriers thing, doing silly things in public.. fantastic, I'm a complete convert and can't wait till the next one!
I'm terribly ashamed but I'd forgotten that AMP did walking in the air! and I never thought I'd dance to AMP in public again!

wow.

so, this will be the beginning of goodness. I'm going to do things and get so tired that it feels like I'm drunk, and have fun and not take things too seriously and save the world in the meantime, and the world won't end, at least not for a little while (fingers crossed) and i'll do some work - I got 57% in my law essay by the way, not bad ;)) but I'm not going to let it take over my life, if I'm only here for a year it doesn't matter, if I'm here for longer then we'll see how well i do. i'm not going to be unhappy, i'm going to silent disco!! wooooo!

just a memo to myself about what I'mthinking right now:

stay on till the end of the year. why not? (assuming, of course, the earth still exists etc. at that point).
see what happens then, but cfontinue as if not going to continue. it will lead to talking things less seriously, having something to look forward to and not feeling trapped. have a look at other possibilities but not necessarily too hard - I can always just get a job in aber or somewhere while I figure out what to do.

options for the year after:
- get back to edinburgh. maybe I will have found a use for myself here by then
- take another gap year and think about things. do worthwhile things and see people while it's still possible
- find somewhere and start studying law. it sounds like a good idea and could be interesting and have a point, who knows.

god, it's good just to think these things. just, I hope hope hope the world won't end in the next - well, hopefully, many many years, but in the next months. before the middle of march at the very least.

why can't I think straight?

I've been having real thoughts too. and working. a lot.

but i'm just trying to figure out how to forgive people here for *not* being charl, or janie or kath or sam or poppy or befn or harry or el or any of those lovely people who i really really wish i could be seeing everyday. I don't think I can. damn.

mmmmm

things must be back to normal: my computer's broken. woop.
I'm going to quickly write an account of my new years because it will make me feel happy, although I didn't actually enjoy it much and I wish I'd been with those lovely, pretty, hot, nice girlies I saw too little of the night before (though on the subject of "too little" i saw nice amounts of some. whilst running along the streets of llandovery. tee hee.)
anyway, new years at georgi's, a friend of josh and ellen's.. we kind of decided not to go but then tallulah really wanted to so we did after a lot of faff and indecision and finally a very kind lift from Harry.
so yes, most of the night involved "going quiet", sitting somewhere not really looking at anyone or speaking much.. it made me feel like my old self but wasn't exactly popular. mostly I wasn't sure what to do, whether I'd do something to upset anyone or.. anything, or get in the way, or *not* talk to people enough or.. bleh too much to do wrong so I did nothing. they're nice people though. young, yes but i hardly notice really. I managed to spill more wine on tallulah, didn't answer the "what was your best thing about 2006" question with embarassing consquences, actually got a kiss at not-quite-midnight (must say, first time ever, though) and indirectly made someone cry. oh dear. oh! and cried myself when I realised how much I missed old llandovery gatherings and people. but it's what happens. i'm not complaining, just it's what happened.
mm.. rambling.. i had lots to say about the world ending and feeling bad about feeling bad, and how the holidays were amazing and, oh god, torn between wanting to enjoy the little bit of life I believe we have left or trying to do something that may but probably won't, save the world.
but I think I'll go to bed, since harry's suggested it. sleeping may mean you miss some of what's going on, but it feels SO GOOD! sleeping is nice.. it makes you forget there's no one sleeping next to you.
though really, i'm surprisingly not unhappy, really. just need less time to think about that.
um yes.. going now. over and out.
love to all. x x x